Men, this post probably isn't for you.
I'm sure you have heard the complaints before. Women don't like shopping for swimsuits. At least not the kind of women I choose to associate with. As bad as you think you have it, I swear to you that it is worse for me (and my sister Lindsey). Okay, maybe not, but it feels like it. You see, I have a weird body. My top half is one size (LARGE ) and my bottom half is another (just about "normal"). And there are basically two inches between the two of them. When you are talking about taking one continuous piece of clothing that is supposed to hug and support each separate part, well....it just doesn't work. I need a personal tailor. If the bottom half fits, the top half droops and exposes. If the top half fits, the bottom half is completely soggy.
Finding a suit that fits is bad enough, try finding one that is cute on top of it. Swimsuit companies think that anyone who wears a modest, size 8 one-piece with a little support is 65 years old and likes big tropical flowers covering their swim-dress. The noisier the better, because that noise makes people not notice the cottage cheese, right?
After wearing a not-too-hot one for about three years (a tankini altered by my mom, worn with girl board shorts), I decided to venture to the changing rooms again last summer. We were going to Florida on vacation and I had just lost ten lbs in our diet challenge with Bobby and Sabina. I was ready to enjoy the way I looked at the pool.
It was absolutely miserable. NOT ONE SUIT FIT. Not one. The old suit made the trip to Florida where it was worn every day next to Sabina's tinier and way cuter new swimsuit.
After the vacation, in June, I finally found a solution. Land's End makes special swimsuits for sad lots like me. Brilliantly, you can actually request a specific cup size, and they can be expensive, but I was ready to wear $90 to the pool every day if it meant I wasn't going to be falling out every time I went under water. I actually ended up finding an adorable suit last year one on clearance for only $20!!!!
Oh, how I love that suit. I was ready to wear it until it fell apart. But then I did the unthinkable and got pregnant. And dang-them-Land's-End doesn't make those special-cup swimsuits for mommies-to-be.
Some women spend the six months before summer getting ready for the pool - I spent it getting fat.
My pool opens tomorrow and I am 27 weeks along, which means that my whole last trimester will take place during swimsuit season.
A whole new set of swimsuit problems.
Never fear though, right? Because I am sure that when companies make maternity suits, they keep in mind that pregnant women need more support than ever up top.
Nope. Same ol' problem. Not one maternity suit fit. And on top of that, if you normally hate the bright lights and mirrors of dressing rooms, it only gets worse when your shiny white stretchmarks are slowly turning purple again.
Here is the crazy solution I finally found today, just in time- I tried on a plus size and it fit perfectly. The first time I have just moseyed up to a rack at Target like a normal person, picked up a swimsuit that was on sale, and had it fit.
Turns out that all along my swimsuit problems would have disappeared if I was just a lot fatter on my bottom half. I will have to remember that next year during the six months before summer, when the Nutty Bars are calling my name. Maybe I will give in in the name of swimsuit shopping with the rest of 'em.