Monday, May 4, 2015

Tender and small

I have had a hard time blogging for the last two years.  When we started our adoption, I was determined that I wouldn't be an adoption blogger.  I had been blogging for years about everything else and I wasn't going to change that.  But I think in trying not to post too much about that, I stopped posting at all because my mind has kinda turned to mush.  And then every once in awhile I would just HAVE to post some things I needed to say and of course it was always about adoption. So there you have it.  Now?  I am determined to just blog again, whatever that may entail.

We have not heard any news yet. In pregnancy terms, it has been over a month of painful contractions but no baby.  The worst kind of waiting.  We have been told we might hear something this week but I am not really letting myself believe it because just waiting is easier than anxiously waiting.

Yesterday I substitute taught a Primary class of 8 and 9 yr olds.  We were learning about Jesus healing the sick.  We talked about the faith of the woman with the blood issue, and the man with palsy.  I told them that I used to think faith was just a feeling.  Sometimes you felt it, sometimes you didn't.  But now I have learned that faith is often times a choice.  You choose to believe even when you don't feel it.  You literally stop the fearful thoughts that are crowding your mind and focus on the Savior.

We also talked about the many many times that Jesus doesn't perform the ultimate miracle that you would love to have.  I told them about my mom, that she has this disease that has robbed her of her speech and her understanding and how hard it has been on her and our whole family .  I told them that Jesus has not taken this sickness away but instead has comforted her and us through it.

As we were ending the lesson, I had them write down miracles that they have seen in their life, and I remembered one in my own that related so closely to that.

Over two years ago, when Chad and I decided to adopt from the DR Congo, we kept our decision within our immediate family for awhile.  It had been a decision 10 years in the making and it still felt very personal and raw.

Shortly after that, I was thinking about my mom, wondering what I could do to be a part of her life and bring her any joy.  I spontaneously stopped by when my dad was at work and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She was already having a very hard time understanding words at that point, but I probably motioned enough that she got my point.  It was a nice day - I had Carina in the stroller and my Mom had their dog Cici on the leash. She seemed happy, which made me happy.  I had this huge and very sudden feeling that I should tell her that we had decided to adopt.  I had not really told her anything that was going on in my life for a very long time before this, because it always just led to her being frustrated that she couldn't understand, and me feeling bad that I frustrated her. Plus Chad and I had agreed not to tell anyone.  But the feeling was strong and felt right.

So I did.

"Mom, Chad and I decided to adopt."

Her face lit up with a huge smile and she gave a little celebration noise with her shoulders scrunched up. She completely understood.

Holding up two fingers, "Siblings, from the DR Congo."

More happy noises and a little victory dance.

She understood so well that later that night my Dad called and said, "What's this I hear about you adopting from the Congo?"  She had gotten enough words out to him to share the happy news and, if I remember correctly, had even pointed it out on a map. I was astounded.

This was the last easily-understood conversation I had with my mom.  It may be a small thing, but it was still a miracle.

My mom hasn't been healed and my girls are still not home.  But every time I seek my Savior, He comforts me.  And I am learning what "exercising" faith really means.


6 comments:

Christie said...

Yeah, making me cry.

Kate said...
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Karen Dick said...

Beautiful, Katie. And Kate, get lost. There are enough haters in this world.

Levi said...

Thank you for sharing that story Katie!

Bob, Dad and Grandpa said...

I can"t count the number of times I have been comforted x by the Spirit through, this challenge. I am a much stronger person

Katie said...
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