My Religious Journey

Written for a class

by Katie Lynn Jeppson Coleman

January 17, 2025

            I was born to parents who believed that God was real, that He still spoke to men and women on earth. My father, Robert Charles Jeppson, Sr., was born to parents who also believed. My mother, Linda Sue Parkins, was taught by missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when she was 13 years old, and was baptized. They raised their 8 children with family prayer, Family Home Evening, three hours of church every Sunday, and scripture study. I can remember the old Family Home Evening manual, with lessons and game ideas.  I remember one year when our ward was challenged to read the Book of Mormon and our family completed the challenge (though I also remember thinking we had to rush at the end). 

            One of the main lessons I can remember being taught, mainly in the context of daily living and through example, was that we had a Heavenly Father we could pray to for assistance. My parents prayed to know what to do about my dad’s career. They prayed to understand what God wanted them to do as parents.  They prayed for help when our car broke down.  They prayed when we couldn’t find something.  They prayed about their church callings. They taught us to believe that we could be guided by this loving personage, who was real and who knew far more than we did.

            Most of my earliest prayers were infrequent and probably more like a child asking for something from a vending machine.  I can remember praying for help before I danced in competitions, and praying for help that God would help the audience feel the Spirit when I danced, but I’m not sure when the second part of that prayer started. It was probably by 5^th grade, when I danced to the Janice Kapp Perry song, “My Nature is Divine.” I definitely prayed for help as a child in finding things, because I have always been forgetful and naturally disorganized. 

            When I was young, I can remember a lot of talk about gaining a testimony, and I think I thought of it as some kind of singular event that would happen all at once, and then I would have “A Testimony” and never lose it. I can picture myself at a particular missionary farewell, in church, feeling the Spirit, and wondering if I had a testimony now. 

One of my most poignant experiences with the Spirit occurred when I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting about the Savior. I must have been around 13.  We didn’t have the internet back then, so any relevant quotes about our topics needed to come from the scriptures or other gospel-related books. I decided that I was going to sincerely think about the topic and ask God for help in writing my talk. Of course I shared a room with my sisters, and there weren’t many quiet places to think or write in our house. After everyone else went to bed, I lit a candle in my room, and I prayed and wrote by candlelight. I felt guided in organizing my thoughts, in knowing what to write, and I felt the Spirit telling me that what I was writing was true.  When I gave the talk the next day, I felt the same feelings, and I could tell that the congregation did as well. I had many people share with me that it touched them, and my dad wrote me a note telling me how proud he was of me.  This experience was one of the first of many I had where a desire for action was tied to the gift of the Holy Ghost. I wanted sincerely to write and share truth with others, and the Holy Ghost helped me to know what to do. Even though I didn’t recognize that pattern at the time, it is one that has shown up in my life over and over again.

Another pattern of feeling God’s presence in my life that I have recognized has been when I needed comfort or reassurance about who I am.  Around the same period of time, I felt the degrading influence of the world talking to me about my worth as a female, tying it to my weight.  I had been a ballet dancer since I was 6, and it was a large part of my identity. Ballet dancers are supposed to be very lean, without curves. As I went through puberty, curves came, and for the first time, I started to wonder if I should eat to fullness. This was heightened one day when my dance teacher talked about how she needed to lose five pounds, and told us her weight. I was already heavier than her, and I was only a teenager. I decided to stop eating so much. But every time I decided that, I would get really hungry and then eat, and I would feel ashamed.  Once, I made myself throw up what I had eaten. Later, when it happened again, I went into the bathroom with the plan to throw up. But instead, I fell to my knees and prayed. God told me that it was the adversary making me feel that way – that those feelings were not from Him and that He loved me.  Even though I battled with feelings of insecurity about my body many times after that, I never forced myself to throw up again, and I always remembered that those degrading feelings came from the enemy. I was determined not to listen to him more than I listened to God about who I was.

Recognizing those two patterns has shaped my life. I have gone long periods of time where I wasn’t completely tied to God in thought and action, but I have still had countless experiences where God has helped me know what to do, and when He has told me who I am.

Closely tied to my experiences with the Spirit has been my desire to live His commandments. My parents (and I would say the church as a whole), emphasized the phrase “Choose the Right” over and over again when I was growing up.  Even though I had plenty of rebellious periods (like a severe potty mouth at school in sixth grade), I did have a desire to do what was right.  The problem was, many times, to me, that meant following a list of outward rules that everyone could see – like modesty, not swearing, not dating before 16, not watching R-rated movies, not drinking caffeine, etc, - and many times that left out some important rules like being kind and loving to others.  By eighth grade, I was determined to live righteously in an outward sense, but I was still gossiping. I was still very unkind to some of the girls my age when I was trying to be funny.  This duality would go on through high school, though I do know there were a few instances where I stood up for others when others were being unkind. I also know that I harshly judged my friends who were going to drinking parties in the desert and wearing clothes that I considered immodest. 

I’m sure I was also influenced by my first bout of depression at age 16. Since I had recently also broken my own rules and gotten a boyfriend (Chad – who would later become my husband), some of my friends and church leaders tied that fact to my change in demeanor. I was talked about a lot behind my back, my grades fell, and my parents worried about me. My mom, ahead of her time like she often was, recognized my symptoms because she and my brother had both experienced clinical depression. She took me to therapy and to a doctor. With medication, I improved, but many of my relationships with other church members had been damaged by my self-isolation and the knowledge that, when I had been suffering, a lot of the people I trusted had been questioning my righteousness. Even my Young Women’s president took me aside and told me I was ignoring my friends in favor of a cute boy, not having any idea of what I was going through.  When I went to the stake president for my BYU application interview, he pressed me heavily on the fact that I had had a boyfriend (who was now on a mission), questioning me about whether I was truly chaste. I barely knew him, and I felt both shame and indignation.  Looking back, I can see why being kind to others wasn’t always tied to righteousness in my head. Rules and appearances were heavily emphasized in church culture at the time.

In college, at BYU, I started to question my own rules of strictness a bit. I drank Dr. Pepper for the first time (gasp). I had discussions with a friend about many of the tough parts of LDS history, like polygamy and the priesthood ban.  I also struggled with my mental health again.  Even though I often went to God in prayer for help, I let my testimony float along for several years.  As I became less self-righteous, I also became less certain about everything. Basically, I had to leave my simpler ideas of faith and righteousness behind, and I had not yet accepted a more nuanced faith.

I married in the temple to that high school boyfriend. I didn’t realize how much I was still struggling, mentally, but I found it hard to do some basic things, like drive across town, look for jobs, talk to people, and go to Relief Society, not to mention the things that other people couldn’t see, like clean my house. I would often find reasons to go home after sacrament meeting and to avoid others. I hid it pretty well from most people, but I was basically just letting life carry me along.

I was also still talking to that friend from college, who dove deeper and deeper into the issues of the church. They decided to leave - not just our religion, but all religion and belief in God – and announced that decision to me over instant messenger. I was determined to always treat them the same and was sympathetic to them. I had left the issues we had talked about in the darkest recesses of my brain, but this friend’s decision pushed me to ask myself if I would also eventually leave. Did I believe that Joseph Smith had truly seen God and translated the Book of Mormon? Did I truly believe that God knew me? No matter how much I thought about it, I came to the same conclusion: I could not deny that I believed. I did.

So why wasn’t I doing more about it? I had allowed myself to be ambivalent towards the gospel, but I couldn’t really allow that anymore. 

Another experience also influenced my commitment to God. We had our first child, Colin.  My mother came to help us care for him. It was very difficult at first. He had severe jaundice, so they gave us a little phototherapy bed to lower his bilirubin levels. He had to sleep there with a mask on to protect his eyes. One of us had to be watching him at all times, so that he wouldn’t pull the mask off and so that he wouldn’t overheat.  In my exhaustion, I was incredibly anxious, and often insisted on being the one who stayed with him, which led to further exhaustion. Colin would get his heel pricked to draw and test his blood almost daily. His bilirubin levels kept dropping, so we were able to have him sleep in the bed less often. But he became very fussy.  None of us could soothe him, not even my very experienced mother.  When we did manage to get him to sleep and put him in his bassinet, he would wake up quickly and cry again. His bilirubin levels also kept raising again, threatening his brain development and requiring daily trips to the Dr., and a subsequent return to the bilirubin treatments. Even the Dr. was baffled about what was going on.

Dealing with all of this while learning to breastfeed and adjusting to being completely tied down all day every day was very stressful. One night, I asked my husband for a blessing so I could know how to help Colin. I can’t remember the blessing at all, but immediately a directive came into my thoughts, clearer than any thoughts I had had for days. I was told to breastfeed Colin every hour-and-a-half, and that that hour-and-a-half should be timed from the beginning of the feeding. I should do this 24 hours a day, even waking him when he was sleeping.  So, often, I would feed Colin for 45 minutes and then need to start again 45 minutes later. It worked perfectly. He became the calmest baby. Even though I was still exhausted, my baby was okay, so I also was. Colin was eventually diagnosed with a rare type of jaundice, which lasted through his first month of life, but there were not lasting affects to his brain.  I knew without a doubt that God had told me what to do to help Colin. My confidence as both a mother and a daughter of God grew by leaps and bounds.  I turned to God more and more often, and I felt invigorated by my job of caring for Colin. 

My commitment to God and His gospel has remained since then this period. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had moments, days, and seasons of being less committed to God. I have.  I have still had periods where I haven’t opened my scriptures for far too long. I have neglected my relationship with God at times.  I haven’t always been diligent about going to the temple.  I have also still struggled with depression and anxiety, as well, which complicates things. I have had to learn that one of the indications that I am struggling with depression again is when I am doing what I am supposed to but still don’t feel the Spirit.  I have had to separate my ideas of worthiness from my very real and physical struggles with mental health. 

I have still had crises of faith, when I have again faced hard issues, and I have asked myself, “Do I really believe?”. Sometimes, the answer is that, at that moment, I choose to believe, based on all my past experiences.  I have had even more profound experiences with God lifting me up and telling me who I am, and in those moments, I feel like I will never doubt again. But that is not how life works, especially when you struggle with depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  That isn’t how life works when you are surrounded by different ideas, issues, and questions that you can barely wrap your brain around. My faith has gone through many high periods of strength and simplicity, followed by periods of complexity and adjustment. I have learned to understand that that is normal.  I don’t just blindly accept every issue of the gospel, its history, and the imperfection of our leaders. But I also understand that I can’t blind myself to what I do know or what I have experienced and throw all of that away every time I run into something difficult. I wouldn’t be honest if I did. I have also learned that not everyone is as sincere with their gospel discussions as they would have you believe. I try really hard not to be that way. I try really hard to be humble enough to not suppose I have ever attained some height of knowledge and wisdom that makes it so I can see things as clearly as God, or more clearly than His ordained leaders.

Another adjustment that I have made (and I have seen the church as a whole make in my lifetime), is a greater focus on Jesus Christ and His atonement.  The faith of my childhood stood more on my Heavenly Father and my relationship with Him. But God demonstrated His love for us through His Son. He wants us to experience His love through Jesus Christ, and I have learned to do that as an adult. I have learned that His atonement isn’t just there for the big sins.  When I rely on Jesus Christ, by approaching Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit, I am continually sanctified.  I try to bring my sorrows and my sins to Him when I take the sacrament and when I pray. No matter how broad or grand my perspective of the gospel becomes, I am lost without that relationship. I am always at my happiest, most peaceful, most loving, and healthiest state when I am relying on Jesus and turning to Him over and over again. 

I keep the commandments now not because I want to prove my righteousness, but because I love Christ and trust Him, and because not keeping His commandments is a betrayal to both Him and myself. I want to remain close to Him – having His influence, mercy, compassion, and perspective – and honoring His laws is one way to do that.

How I treat others is just as closely tied to my love for Him. I want to be like Him – always seeing others as incredible souls with divine potential. I want to not hurt people, not lessen His light in their lives.  That kind of love is entirely up to me. It can’t be lessened by others’ actions or decisions. I am responsible for how I feel towards others, no matter how they treat me or what they believe.  There is great power in this kind of charity.

My callings in the church have allowed me to experience Christ’s mercy and compassion over and over again, not just towards myself, but towards others. Like I have mentioned, I have faced depression, anxiety, and ADHD, which all affect my executive functioning and my ability to fulfill my callings. I can see how poorly I served as a primary secretary right after having Gabe, when I was adjusting to life with two kids. But as I have continued to try, and to care, relying on the Holy Ghost, God has given me strength and ability. I have served imperfectly as an activity day leader, a Primary counselor multiple times, stake Primary counselor and president, Young Women’s counselor multiple times, Primary music leader, seminary teacher, and Relief Society president.  I felt overwhelmed many times when called, and honestly never ever expected to be called as Relief Society president because of my struggles with executive functioning, but I have trusted God to help me do His work. I hope that I have been able to point others to their Savior through my church service. 

I have also felt His power and influence when giving talks or teaching. I have felt His guidance as He tells me what to write and share. I have felt the Spirit while teaching, and I have had countless people tell me that what I shared truly mattered to them. I write this down not to boast, but as a record that God works through weak people. I am one of those weak people. I am grateful that He has used me as in instrument in His work – it is a testament to me of His power.

I mentioned earlier that I have seen a pattern of receiving answers when I have asked what action to take to help others. Nowhere has this pattern shown up more than my familial relationships. Starting with Colin’s breastfeeding schedule, God has given me His wisdom in order to help my kids so many times that I can’t record them all here. He has told me when to take kids to the Dr, what kind of reading help to get them, what to say to them when they are struggling, when to shut my mouth, and when to sit back at trust His timing and ways of working with them.  Any lasting good I have done as a mother has been because of His influence and power in my life. 

The same is true for my relationship with my husband, Chad. Starting with our friendship in high school, when God kept prompting me to befriend the new kid at school, God has always given me inspiration about how to treat Chad – that is, when I humble myself and ask. I am not a perfect wife, but I am a much better one because of God’s guidance. 

Every aspect of my life – my education, my health, my home, my family, how I spend my time – has been influenced by my knowledge of God and my relationship with Him and His Son.

 

Book of Mormon

Alma

Chapter 44

Moroni commands the Lamanites to make a covenant of peace or be destroyed—Zerahemnah rejects the offer, and the battle resumes—Moroni’s armies defeat the Lamanites. About 74–73 B.C.

1 And it came to pass that they did stop and withdrew a pace from them. And Moroni said unto Zerahemnah: Behold, Zerahemnah, that we do not desire to be men of blood. Ye know that ye are in our hands, yet we do not desire to slay you.

2 Behold, we have not come out to battle against you that we might shed your blood for power; neither do we desire to bring any one to the yoke of bondage. But this is the very cause for which ye have come against us; yea, and ye are angry with us because of our religion.

3 But now, ye behold that the Lord is with us; and ye behold that he has delivered you into our hands. And now I would that ye should understand that this is done unto us because of our religion and our faith in Christ. And now ye see that ye cannot destroy this our faith.

4 Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith.

5 And now, Zerahemnah, I command you, in the name of that all-powerful God, who has strengthened our arms that we have gained power over you, by our faith, by our religion, and by our rites of worship, and by our church, and by the sacred support which we owe to our wives and our children, by that liberty which binds us to our lands and our country; yea, and also by the maintenance of the sacred word of God, to which we owe all our happiness; and by all that is most dear unto us

When we are fighting against people who want to hurt or damage us, our goal shouldn’t be to wound them. Our goal should be to spiritually protect ourselves and stand as witnesses of Christ, through both our words and our actions.  We also stay humble when we give God the credit for our strength. That humility allows us to have access to His help.

As President Nelson asked, "Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life? Will you allow His words, His commandments, and His covenants to influence what you do each day? Will you allow His voice to take priority over any other? Are you willing to let whatever He needs you to do take precedence over every other ambition? Are you willing to have your will swallowed up in His?"

If we let God prevail in our lives, we won't want to hurt our enemies, but we will want to stand firm in our beliefs. We will stay humble and we will have access to His power. 

For the prison days

 Paul and Joseph were two men that taught me about feeling God’s peace in the hardest of times. 

 Before I can tell you about them, let me give you a little backstory. In January 2013, my husband and I both told each other that we thought we should make a decision whether or not to adopt.  We had thought and talked about it off and on for ten years - every time we had another biological child - and it seemed the time to decide once and for all if we should. We decided to take our question to the temple the first weekend in February. 

In the celestial room, I experienced one of the strongest and clearest answers in my life.  Both my husband and I came out of the temple feeling very strongly that, YES, we should adopt and that it should be soon. We both felt an intense urgency. After scrambling and stressing over paperwork for the next month and a half, we were matched with two little sisters from the DR Congo on March 27, 2013. We saw their faces through pictures, and again prayed and felt that they should be our daughters.

 At that point, our agency let us know that the rest of the process would take 9-12 months, which seemed so unbearable. How could I watch these little girls grow up through pictures for up to a whole year? I told myself that we knew God wanted us to do this, so He would definitely help us zoom through the process.  Maybe, I thought...maybe they would be home by the end of 2013.  Maybe by Christmas!  

By October 2014, they still weren’t with our family even though they were legally our daughters. The entity of their government that handled immigration would not let them, or any of the other hundreds of adopted children, leave the country. They had said they were suspending the process for a year, but that year had come and gone and there was no end in sight.  We hired a foster family to care for our girls and, having no idea when they would join us, I decided to visit them. 

That month I got to travel to Kinshasa, the capital city of the DR Congo, where my daughters lived.  I spent a week with them.  It was one of the hardest weeks of my life  - the exhaustion of traveling met with sickness, the difficulty of visiting a third-world country where I didn’t speak the language, the overwhelming task of getting to know and caring for a 3 and 5 yr old who didn’t know me or trust me.

It was also one of the best weeks of my life - seeing those pictures that I had watched for months actually living and breathing, hearing their laughs and adorable voices jabbering away in French, taking them swimming for the first time in their lives, feeling their little arms around my neck as they giggled in the cool water, snuggling close to them all night and just enjoying having them with me. 

When the week was over, I took them back to their foster home and somehow said goodbye. My younger daughter was hysterical and had to be pried off of me. I felt a peace that could only come from my Heavenly Father as we drove away, back to my hotel, but my heart ached for her.  I wasn’t leaving until the next morning, and that night, all alone, I had a lot of questions for my Heavenly Father as I knelt in prayer. What it all boiled down to for me was this thought: 

What if we had been wrong to start this whole crazy process? 

I could trust that it was all going to be okay if I truly knew that God wanted us to adopt. But what if He hadn’t? What if we had been wrong that day in the temple? What if we were just messing up our daughters’ lives even more by making them live in this limbo?  How could I know this was what Heavenly Father wanted when it was going so badly? I couldn’t see His hand in this mess. 

I felt comforted that night, but received my real answer the next morning, as I was leaving my daughters’ city.  

The airport experience in Kinshasa is intense and chaotic, and several other adoptive parents recommended that since I was traveling alone I should hire someone to help get me and my bags checked in . His name was Paul.  He was Congolese and spoke at least four languages.  I had met him during the week as we had hired him to go a few places to translate. So that morning, Paul and his driver loaded my suitcases. Before we even left the courtyard, Paul turned to me and softly started talking about what a hard day it was for me.  I will never forget what he said. 

“Your children may feel like you have abandoned them right now.  They don’t understand why you can’t be with them.  They don’t understand what you are doing to bring them home.  But you know.

You may feel like God has abandoned you right now. You can’t see what He sees.  You don’t know what is going to happen.  But He knows.”

As I nodded my head and agreed wholeheartedly with him, he let that settle, and then we talked a little more about God, and he continued.

 “Look at Joseph in the Bible. He had a dream when he was a teenager. That dream did not come true for many many years. Even as he tried to do what God asked him to do, it was not easy for him. He was sold as a slave. He was accused by Potiphar's wife. He was thrown in jail.  And we know that it all worked out because we have read the ending. But while it was happening to Him, he didn’t know how it would end. He might have wondered if he had really dreamed that dream or if it was from God.”

I can still see the busy Kinshasa street we were on when Paul said this to me.  Time stood still as he taught me, from the Bible, and the Holy Ghost manifested to me that what Paul was saying was a direct answer to my prayers the previous night.  

I knew, in that moment, that my Heavenly Father had answered my prayers, not just from the previous night, but in the temple back in February 2013. He knew me so well that He had sent an almost-stranger to speak the very words I needed to hear, halfway across the world, in a language that wasn’t even native to him.

I thought about Joseph many times in the long months that followed. Every time we got bad news and it felt like our daughters would never join us, I tried to remember that God knew the ending, and He had not abandoned us. He had asked us to do this work, and His promises were always sure.  

We continued on in faith, even as many of our adoptive friends either gave up or illegally paid smugglers to sneak their children out with false documents. We visited Washington DC three times to meet with congressmen, representatives from the Department of State, and the DR Congo ambassador to the US. 

We kept serving in callings, praying, going to the temple, and paying our daughter’s foster family. 

Elysee and Simone finally flew to join our family on June 8, 2016, more than three years after we had first been matched with them. They were sealed to our family six months later. 

Now, after five years, I’m sure that people look at our family and only see the victory, the happy ending. They don’t know the agony and uncertainty that clouded our lives during those years. 

If you’re in that agony right now, please know that God has not forgotten you or abandoned you. Even when Joseph was in prison, Genesis 39:21 tells us: But the Lord was with Joseph.

God is with you.  

You haven’t reached the end of the story yet.

It’s not over. 

God knows you. 

He is working on your behalf in ways that you may not realize for years. 

We can always trust in His promises. 

That’s what Joseph and Paul helped me understand.

 A talk given in the Steele Creek Ward on Palm Sunday, 2025

Over two thousand years ago, when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on the back of a young donkey, a large crowd gathered to mark his entry into the Holy City. Some of these humble believers laid their threadbare clothes on the ground in front of Him; others cut down branches from the trees and strawed them in the way. As they waved palm leaves, overcome with emotional reverence, some of them cried out, “Hosanna to the Son of David. Hosanna in the highest.” 

It must have taken a great deal of faith for these believers to place their hope on this man from Nazareth – to shift from the grand ideas they had about a mighty conqueror who would save them from Roman oppression to this unassuming man who had quietly, sometimes even secretly, ministered and taught amongst them. Maybe some of the believers who laid their precious clothes down had seen His hands laid upon the sick. Perhaps the words He had preached on the mount reminded them of truths their spirits had learned before they came to earth. Maybe the people who waved the branches had heard his injunctions to love their enemies and had felt the oppression of hate lifted from their hearts. Perhaps they had once felt eternally doomed because of their sins and had learned to hope again in His presence. For whatever reason, their belief in Jesus as their Christ was so great that they chose to leave their work and homes to be a part of this witnessing crowd. To their neighbors, to Jesus’s disciples, and to Jesus himself, they were acknowledging Him as their King, as the Messiah who would save them. To Him, they pleaded for salvation from their despair, from their anxious existence, from their present and very real sorrows. 

Can you imagine the scene? Do you wish that you could be there now? What would your cries of “Hosanna” or its translation, “Save us now,” be about?

We live in an entirely different world than the city of Jerusalem then. In many ways, we have it easier. We don’t haul jugs to wells for clean water, and a bacterial infection is no longer a death sentence. We have glasses and wheelchairs, cars and hearing aids, and free education. But we do face challenges unknown to those believers.  We do not spend our lives in the confines of a walled city, but in a vast universe of information and opinion, spinning and scrolling in every direction imaginable. We are not guided by Pharisees and Sadducees in our synagogues, but by influencers and algorithms in our pockets. We still ask, “Who is our neighbor?” and feel disdain for those who think, look, and vote differently from us. Most of us have never faced a physical famine, but even as we binge on movies and memes in every form, we walk away feeling hungry, weak, and disoriented. We are in just as much need of unity, of healing, of hope, of clarification, and of eternal truths that will whisper to our spirits, 

“You are more than a body. 

You are more than this mortal existence. 

You are more than your mistakes, more than your diagnosis, more than your grades, your beauty, or your earning power. 

You are a precious and loved child of God.”

Jesus Christ told us, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”

He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you will find rest unto your souls.”

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you”

“Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.”

We do not need to walk with the Savior to receive His healing. We do not need to hear Him speak to receive His wisdom. We do not need to wave palm fronds to acknowledge Him as our Messiah, a gift from a wise God in heaven who has never ever forgotten us. 

Speaking of God’s plan for us, President Utchdorf gave us a challenge. He said:

“You and I play a crucial part in this great, continuing story.

What, then, is your and my part?

It is to learn of Jesus Christ. To study His words. To hear Him and to follow Him by actively participating in this great work. I invite you to come and belong!

You don’t have to be perfect. You only have to have a desire to develop your faith and draw nearer to Him each day.

Our part is to love and serve God and to love and serve God’s children.

As you do so, God will encircle you with His love, joy, and certain guidance through this life, even under the most serious circumstances, and even beyond.” 

These are simple words that are similar to ones we have heard a hundred times at church, but can we take them seriously this week before Easter? We, like those in Jerusalem, are steeped in tradition – tradition that tells us who our enemies are, how they have oppressed us, and a million different ideas about how to overcome the damage that they have done to us. If we are to do what President Uchtdorf asks, it will require us to shift our faith over to a humbler, quieter, more personal form of battle than the ones the world tells us to fight, but we will also have the power of our Savior to help us. Can we try this week?

When we pick up our phones every morning, can we turn first to Christ’s words? Will we let His wisdom fill our earbuds? When we need rest, will we take our weary hearts to Him instead of TikTok? Will we actually, like literally, pray for and love our enemies? Will we reject judgmental or petty anger in favor of meekness and forgiveness? Will we go to the temple to find our Savior, and to help others find Him? Will we choose to work, actually work for Him, trusting we will find rest? 

Going back to that original Palm Sunday, remember His believers and their pleas for salvation. They did not understand perfectly how that salvation was going to be carried out. They would be filled with grief and confusion when their Redeemer was crucified just days later. They did not understand that their Prince of Peace would bring that peace not through force, but through the gifts of His gospel and His sacrifice. If they had understood, they would have been spared so much fear and heartache.

Do we understand that we do not need to wait for the second coming to let the Prince of Peace reign in our lives? Are we waiting for the day He will come again, when every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that He is the Christ? Or are we, His disciples, already, through our actions and words, kneeling to Him and confessing that He is our Christ? 

President Spencer Kimball: "When Satan is bound in a single home—when Satan is bound in a single life—the Millennium has already begun in that home, in that life.”

The Millennium – that period of growth, restoration, redemption, rest, and healing- can begin for us now.

President Nelson said, “When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do. When you spiritually stretch beyond anything you have ever done before, then His power will flow into you.”

I want to testify to you that the peace and joy that will come when our Savior reigns can be ours in the here and now. I know this because I have felt it. Each day that I humbly stretch towards the Savior with that kind of intensity, when I kneel to worship Him, when I acknowledge Him as my Redeemer, that day is a day of growth, restoration, redemption, rest, and healing, no matter what kind of stuff happens around me. I believe in Christ. He is my King. 

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

To the Virtuous Women I Know–Part 2

This is part two of a talk I gave on Mother’s Day and wanted to share with you.  Part I is here if you missed it.

In that same talk by Sister Dalton, she said that virtue is the strength and power of daughters of God and then she defined virtue as, “a pattern of thought and behavior based on high moral standards.”

I think that this definition is key to understanding our feelings of never being good enough and understanding where those feelings come from and how dangerous they can be. One word that Sister Dalton used is so important. She said a “pattern” of thought or behavior. A pattern means that something is repeated, time and again, consistently, predictably.

I think that Satan will do anything to disrupt that pattern, breaking down virtue and thus breaking down the power and strength that we as women possess.

I think one of his most effective ways of breaking that pattern is through those feelings of hopelessness and despair. Satan may even disguise those feelings as something good. We may think that of course we should feel guilty, because we aren’t perfect, and think that by berating ourselves for our shortcomings, we are trying to be better people…so those feelings are good, right?

But feeling that kind of guilt is often paralyzing. It is so easy to become overwhelmed by everything that we need to do that we become paralyzed and do nothing at all or stop what we are already doing. It is so easy to feel like what we are doing doesn’t matter, so why bother anyway? So maybe we give up here or there, or skip this or that. Our pattern of thought and behavior is then interrupted, stalled, broken. Our virtue, our strength and power, is then broken. Satan has accomplished what he set out to do.

In speaking of that kind of guilt at General Conference in 2006 (another great talk you should check out), Anthony D Perkins said,

“God the Father is merciful and has infinite love for you despite your faults. Only the voice of Satan will cause you to feel of no value. In contrast, the Holy Ghost will cause you to feel “godly sorrow” ¹⁰ unto repentance in a manner that fills you with hope of positive change.

When you feel worthless, “remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” ¹¹ Refrain from repeatedly thinking or saying negative words about yourself—there is a clear difference between humility and humiliation. Identify and use your unique talents rather than dwelling on your weaknesses.”

This can help us in identifying where our feelings are coming from. Feelings from Heavenly Father fill us hope of positive change. Feelings from Satan cause us to despair, to quit, to stall, to freeze.

Paying attention to our thoughts and identifying whether they are from the Spirit or from the adversary can make a huge difference in our behavior and in the patterns we embrace. What does that look like in real life? I would like to just give a few examples.

You and your husband are gathering your kids for family prayer. The oldest (who should be the example) is rolling their eyes. The youngest is running in circles. The other two are hitting each other. Okay, this may be a direct example from my own life….The thoughts that go through your head are, “My children are never ever going to understand the power of prayer. There is no Spirit here and I have failed failed failed in one of the most important lessons I can teach them.” These thoughts are certainly understandable and may even seem accurate. But are they from God?

I am so grateful we have apostles from God to give us answers to negative thoughts like this one. Elder Bednar gave a talk in general conference and talked about the same struggle he and he wife had with their sons – prayers when they were poking each other and giggling and complaining about their brothers “breathing their air.” He said that years later he could see that  “our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. “ and he quoted the scripture “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).

The negative thought would lead you to believe that the hard work of gathering your family for prayer isn’t worth it, the thought that combats it is that you are doing small and simple things that will lead to something great in the future – in other words, it will encourage you to keep a pattern of virtue.

Another situation:

You have been trying to improve your health. You want to be strong so that you are ready at all times to do the Lord’s work. You have been exercising and eating good food, and you feel more energetic than ever. Then someone tags you in a Facebook picture, taken from below, in the middle of a belly laugh, with a triple chin. All health motivation goes out the window. Why bother eating well and sweating when you are never going to look the way you think you “should”? All you feel like doing is eating a bowl of ice cream and taking a nap. Again, this may or may not be based on personal experience. And this may seem like something trivial, something that isn’t really even related to the gospel, but really, that negative thought is not put there by our Heavenly Father. So we know where it is coming from? It is an attack on a pattern of good choices, an attack on virtue – and the response to that comes from Elder Holland in general conference 2005 when he was talking about the way that young women feel about their bodies. (Another great talk you should read or watch later – I love hearing Elder Holland)

“Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good. I mention adult women because, sisters, you are our greatest examples and resource for these young women. And if you are obsessing over being a size 2, you won’t be very surprised when your daughter or the Mia Maid in your class does the same and makes herself physically ill trying to accomplish it. We should all be as fit as we can be—that’s good Word of Wisdom doctrine. That means eating right and exercising and helping our bodies function at their optimum strength. We could probably all do better in that regard. But I speak here of optimum health; there is no universal optimum size.”

I could go on and on with examples of what Satan would have us believe in order to stall our pattern of behavior and thought, versus the truths that Heavenly Father has for us, which will lead us to hope and continue in the work we are doing. The answers to Satan’s negative thoughts are always there. Heavenly Father has provided them for us from our leaders, scriptures and prayers.

Tomorrow – Part III, Embracing our virtue.  In the meantime, can any of you give any examples that you have noticed in your life when have been able to replace those overwhelming feelings with greater truth?

Feed My Sheep–Spiritual Nourishment For Our Children

I work in our church in the organization that teaches the children, called “Primary.”  My role is to travel around to the nine different wards (congregations) in our “stake” unit and assist the Primary leaders as they try to accomplish their goals in teaching children the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Last November when we held a training for these leaders, I gave this talk.  I felt very strongly, as I preparing for it over the course of a couple of months, and as I was writing it, that my Heavenly Father was inspiring me.  Not just in regards to something He wanted me to say to others, but with things He wanted me to learn for myself. With that feeling of inspiration in mind, I would like to share it.

Over the last year and a half, my husband and I have made some firm decisions about the way our family eats at home. We decided to have less of the food that is just enjoyable and satisfying in the moment, but nutritionally empty or even damaging long term (junk food), and more of the food that is going to help us feel good now and in the long term.

We do believe that it is okay to add in food to our diets, every once in a while, that is not ideal – celebratory food or holiday food, or even junk food. But we quickly came to realize that we don’t need to provide that less-than-ideal food for our kids, because they have plenty of opportunities to get it outside of our house –you have probably noticed this with your own kids – they get a piece of candy from their teacher for good behavior, cupcakes for a classmate’s birthday, pizza parties at the end of a soccer season. Then there are holidays like Halloween and Christmas, …the list is endless. There are plenty of chances for junk food without us providing it.

With all of these occasions for eating just plain ol’ bad food, we knew that we needed to give them ten times the opportunities at home to eat just plain GOOD food. Ideal food. The food that is the very very best for them. I have to tell you that were are far far away from giving them ideal food in our home for every single meal, but every time I am able to, I know our health is better for it, and the more good food we eat, the more we all crave it and appreciate it, and want more of it.

So what is more important than their physical nourishment? Their spiritual nourishment. What if we applied those same principles to the children in our home and in our Primary?

We know that they are going to get a lot of spiritual junk food outside of church and our homes. What is that spiritual junk food? Something that might taste good and satisfying in the moment but does nothing for them long term. Something that feeds them in the moment but ultimately leaves them starving. They are surrounded these empty calories – movies, video games, music….technology has made every type of spiritual junk food available each at every moment of the day. Not only are our children fed a lot of empty calories, many of them will be exposed to other things go far beyond that, things that are soul damaging – pornography, violence, cruelty. In our last General Conference, Elder Quentin A. Cook spoke about the poisonous culture we are surrounding by and he told this story,

“President Dieter F. Uchtdorf and I were recently in an Amazon jungle village and observed satellite dishes even on some of the small, simply built huts. We rejoiced at the wonderful information available in this remote area. We also recognized there is virtually no place on earth that cannot be impacted by salacious, immoral, and titillating images. This is one reason why pornography has become such a plague in our day.”

We can’t always help what our children ingest while they are out in the world, and we certainly have no control over what all of our Primary children are fed. But when they walk into our home or our Primary room, we do have control – and that is what is so incredibly exciting about Primary. We have the IDEAL spiritual food. We have the spiritual food that is the very very best for them. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ. We know that it is fulfilling not just now, in the moment, but for every day, and for eternity. Each and every week, when our kids walk into Primary, we get to nourish their souls….just fill them up to the brim with the word of God. They can taste how beautiful and satisfying the gospel is for themselves and begin crave it more than the junk food that surrounds them once they leave the building.

I love that idea. I love that ideal – of what Primary could really really be about. It is a beautiful picture that I have painted, right? But when it comes down to being practical….how in the world do you accomplish that? I don’t have all those answers for you and I am not even going attempt to get specific for how you can accomplish that in your ward or branch because there are no right answers for all of you – you all have different needs and challenges. But, I would like to give some broader ideas that will help you find your own answers.

#1. Before you can nourish the Primary kids, you need to nourish yourself. We hear this over and over and over again. Read your scriptures, say your prayers. We teach it to our kids. But do we truly truly make it a priority in our lives? And I am not just talking about two verses right before your head drops on the pillow. That is a start, for sure, but I am talking about studying, and conversations with our Heavenly Father. Are you feeding yourself spiritual junk food? I am sure many of you will remember Sister Ann Dibb’s talk from General Conference last October – I Know It. I Live it. I Love it. She addressed spiritual nourishment and said, “In today’s world, there are a multitude of activities, subjects, and interests vying for every minute of our attention. With so many distractions, do we have the strength, discipline, and commitment to remain focused on what matters most? Are we as well versed in gospel truths as we are in our studies, careers, hobbies, sports, or our texts and tweets? Do we actively seek to find answers to our questions by feasting on the scriptures and the teachings of the prophets? Do we seek the confirmation of the Spirit?”

We need to be more deliberate with what we feed ourselves. Start by cutting out some of those empty calories – things that are an easy break for your mind but don’t really do much for your spirit. But then after you have cut those calories, don’t stop there - replace them with the word of God. Scriptures, hymns, general conference talks, the Ensign, the Mormon Channel….there are so many available resources that we can just gorge on.

What will happen when you dedicate yourself to your own spiritual nourishment? Our Heavenly Father has promised he will bless us – this kind of dedication will take your time, but it will give you more time in return. It will take focus, but it will give you more focus – better focus. If you tell your Heavenly Father, “I am going to be as spiritually fit as possible so that I can be a better tool for YOU. I want you to be able to use me to bless others, so I am going make sure I am prepared to do that”…..He WILL use you. He will accomplish his work through you –work that is more glorious than any work you could do alone. He will answer your questions about how to best bless your primary children. He will let you know what you should be focusing on in sharing time. He will help you figure out how to bring more reverence. The more spiritually nourished you are, the better tool you are for him.

Which brings me to my next point:

#2 Remember that we are not the true teacher, the Holy Ghost is.

Elder Craig Christiansen told a story during general conference that illustrated this point perfectly. He talked about taking his children to the Bountiful Temple open house.

“We labored diligently to prepare our children to enter the temple, praying earnestly that they would have a spiritual experience so that the temple would become a focal point in their lives.

As we reverently walked through the temple, I found myself admiring the magnificent architecture, the elegant finishes, the light shining through towering windows, and many of the inspiring paintings. Every aspect of this sacred building was truly exquisite.

Stepping into the celestial room, I suddenly realized that our youngest son, six-year-old Ben, was clinging to my leg. He appeared anxious—perhaps even a little troubled.

“What’s wrong, Son?” I whispered.

“Daddy,” he replied, “what’s happening here? I’ve never felt this way before.”

Recognizing that this was likely the first time our young son had felt the influence of the Holy Ghost in such a powerful way, I knelt down on the floor next to him. While other visitors stepped around us, Ben and I spent several minutes, side by side, learning about the Holy Ghost together. I was amazed at the ease with which we were able to discuss his sacred feelings. As we talked, it became clear that what was most inspiring to Ben was not what he saw but what he felt—not the physical beauty around us but the still, small voice of the Spirit of God within his heart.”

When we have talked as a stake presidency about what we want most for the children in Primary, we always circle back to two things. First, we want to provide them with opportunities to feel the Holy Ghost. Second, we want them to learn to recognize when the Holy Ghost is speaking to them. These two things are what convert them for life to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

This principle helps us so much in determining how to go about teaching Primary. Just like the story, we need to do what we can to invite the Spirit. We can prepare stellar sharing time lessons and engaging singing activities, but they should all serve to teach about the Savior and to invite the Holy Ghost. Just as Elder Christensen’s son didn’t walk away from the temple just remembering the architecture, we don’t want our kids walking away from Primary just remembering our cute bunting.

When we talk about every child learning this year’s theme, we mean that we really want them to learn it. We want them to learn it in their mind and their heart. We don’t want them to just be able to repeat it back to us. We want each of them to know for themselves that they are truly a Child of God. This knowledge will help them make good choices outside of Primary.  This knowledge will affect them for the rest of their lives.

My last point:

#3 These are God’s children and This is His work.

Elder Holland gave a very powerful talk during General Conference.  He talked about what the Savior taught his disciples when the Savior returned as a resurrected being. Elder Holland elaborated on what is in the scriptures. He talked about what the Savior said to Peter when Peter answered for a third time that he loved the Savior. This is what Elder Holland said,

“To which Jesus responded (and here again I acknowledge my nonscriptural elaboration), perhaps saying something like: “Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world. So, Peter, for the second and presumably the last time, I am asking you to leave all this and to go teach and testify, labor and serve loyally until the day in which they will do to you exactly what they did to me.”

Listening to this talk, I was sure that a lot of people thought of missionary work, but I immediately thought about our Primary children. Every week, we are feeding His sheep. Sharing time is not a feeble message. Teaching the Sunbeams and 11 year olds is not hapless or hopeless. Primary is not a throwaway calling. It is the work of the Almighty God.

What an incredible work it is we have been called to do! I hope we can inspire all of our leaders about how important and awesome this work of feeding His sheep is. I hope we can pray for specific actions we can take to accomplish His work, and for specific answers to the problems we each face. I know that as we feed them the best spiritual food available – the word of God- they will learn to love and savor it. The Holy Ghost will help them recognize the truth they hear, and they will want to feast on His words. The spiritual junk food that the world offers them will lose its appeal.

I know that these are His precious children and I know He will guide each of us as we spiritually feed His Sheep.

I testify these things in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

So you've discovered the Ex-Mos. Now what?

 Dear children,

It's okay. It's okay to read their complaints, their evidence, their viewpoints. It's okay if you feel scared right now. It's okay if you think life might never be the same again for you. 

Take a deep breath. Say a prayer (because God is very real). 

There are a few things I want to tell you.

1. I have read the CES Letter. All of it, pretty much - they might have added more since then. I was teaching seminary at the time and I wanted to make sure I understood what was in it.  It did indeed make me anxious and panicky, like it is supposed to.  Other things I have read: lots of ex-mo reddit threads that talk about everything under the sun, from Joseph Smith to the salamander letters, to polygamy (that's kind of an old school concern that was really emphasized and whispered about during my BYU days), to tithing concerns, sexual abuse by church members, and whatever is hottest at the moment.  I don't enjoy reading these things, but I have been - since said days at BYU -very concerned with truth and with making sure I have truth.

2. I'm not the only True Believing Mormon or "TBM" who has read all of this stuff. I am also not the most educated one to have done so.  I promise you that you don't even have to listen to just your mom here.  There are many very wise, very experienced, very educated individuals who have read just as much, experienced just as much, and have thought just as much as anyone on reddit, or Mormon Stories or the writer of whatever anti-mormon TV show is currently a hit. I promise that my decision, and their decisions to stay in the church, are not because we are willfully blind or ignorant. These aren't secrets that, if you and your dad knew about, we would leave too. There is a 99.9% chance that I have all the information anyone you interact with has - I have just reached a different conclusion than those who have left. Panic is not truth. Unanswered or cleverly asked questions are meant to make you afraid of digging deeper or giving up, or they are meant to make you think you already have the answer. 

3. Look some more. There are many public responses to the CES Letter that are full of better research than that document.  Here is one of them.  You will find that the CES Letter is not intellectually honest. It takes a shallow dig into "issues" - just enough to make them seem unsolvable. It doesn't actually keep digging to find the answers.  I have found that many many sources cited by Ex-mos are the same way. They are full of passion, anger, and fear, and claim to be more truthful than they really are. I think some are intentionally deceptive, but others are not. I think some ex-mos are intellectually honest, while some think that it is fair game to use whatever methods they can use to bring down what they have come believe is a cult.  By this point in your life, you have probably seen that loyalty-to-a-cause can illicit that kind of response - I have seen it when people defended our old adoption agency, I have seen it in the filmmakers of The Traffickers, I have seen it in politicians and their followers, I have seen it in patriots. You will see it on reddit because it is most often an echo chamber for like-minded individuals. They are no longer loyal to my religion, but they are extremely loyal to their own, and will (justifiably, in their minds), use anger and imbalance to prove their new religion. 

4.  On that same note, many many people are not being honest about why some people are excommunicated or why they chose to leave.  John Dehlin, the master story-teller himself, told the public at the time of his excommunication that he just wanted "truth." He was an honest truth-seeker, living all the commandments but not seeing the truth. He admitted years later that he was, at that time, completely addicted to porn, had been for years, and had hidden it from his wife. Does that mean his motives were completely false? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that his motives and reasons for disconnecting from the church were complex. I don't know that he purposely kept things out of his narrative to make it more compelling, but well, I have seen plenty of people who leave things to make their point stronger. People will argue that what they left out wasn't relevant, but well....why did they then? Again, I have seen people do it over and over again, and you probably have too. Excommunication stories can be super compelling because the person who had their membership revoked can say whatever they want. It will always be one-sided because of confidentiality policies in the church. 

4.  I am not ignorant, blind, or a sheep for following the living prophet despite not understanding everything. Everyone, whether they realize it or not, is choosing to follow someone.  One time I was on a blog that questioned everything gospel-related, and they were asking everyone how they would re-do the plan of salvation to make it more fair and beautiful.  They all, sitting behind their computer screens, gave input about what the plan got "wrong." Some sounded really inspiring and loving, and my heart got that racing feeling that maybe I had been wrong all along to trust modern prophets....maybe there was something I had "missed" in my thinking. Then I realized I was putting faith in strangers. Strangers who had the gall to believe that they understood the eternities, the whole point of life, the way we should treat other.....  strangers who thought they had the intellectual, far-sighted, compassionate depth to create laws for all mankind that would be better than the ones given to us by God, through the authorities of the church. STRANGERS - I didn't even know if they were just trying to screw people up or actually believed it. I didn't know if they were people who actually tried to lead good lives or criticized others on the computer all day long. I didn't know if they were better-educated, more "spiritual," more interested in doing good than me. But I certainly knew they were less humble.  I could not claim to understand all of it better than the prophets, but they did so without hesitation.  Being humble... acknowledging that you might not totally get what matters for ALWAYS....isn't being blind, it's being self-aware and honest.

5. You can talk to me about these things. I might have some insights you haven't considered. Yes, I have come to my own conclusions, and they might be different than your own, but I'm not going to kick you out of the family, I'm not going to disparage you to others, I'm not going to treat you with less love.  I believe that truth is truth, and I believe that if what I have is truth, whatever you believe isn't a threat to it. If it's uncomfortable, we will still get through it. I will love you just a dearly and truly if your conclusions are different than mine. 

6. If you don't want to talk to me about these things, that's fine too. Many people don't want to talk to their moms or dads about it because there is such emotional weight behind it. It's scary.  Plus, Dad and I aren't perfect. We have our own baggage. We've screwed up many times and you doubtless carry the baggage of those screwups.  I try really really hard to make things right, but I know I might not feel like the safest person to talk to. But if you do talk to others, give them at least the same level of scrutiny that you give us, please. We really really really do care about you.

7. I already stated this, but God is real. I have experienced Him over and over again in my life, and I would be a lying liar who lies if I told you differently. You really can pray. You really can accept knowledge from the Holy Ghost.  It's a legitimate way to learn. If you haven't turned to Him for help on this yet, please do. Please kneel down and talk to Him about your fears. Please ask Him how He feels about you. Please give the scriptures at least equal time to the ex-mos. Please give God a chance. He is real. His Son is real. This isn't about me wanting you to follow me. This isn't about my control over you. This isn't about making family gatherings more comfortable, or carrying on the traditions I was raised in. This is about a God who knows you and loves you, who I am trying to give you a connection to - a connection greater and more powerful than the one I have forged with you. I want you to trust HIM more than me. His love is pure and perfect. 

I love you (however imperfectly) and always will. -Mom

My Mom's Eulogy

Given on April 30,2016

I have been assigned  the super easy and simple task of  capturing my mother’s 60 years in a way to that does complete justice to the memories of her eight very unique children and 30 grandchildren.  I hope you are all comfortable, because this is going to take hours.  Just kidding - for the sake of the 27 grandkids that are sitting in the audience, I will have to do my best to keep it relatively short.

Since my mom loved the stage, I have divided her life into three acts.

Act. I

Daughter, Sister, Wife

I have a family here on earth

They are so good to me

I want to share my life with them through all eternity

Linda Sue Parkins was born on September 15, 1955, the same year that Disneyland opened, and not far from it, in Long Beach California.  Her parents, Raymond and Joanne Parkins, celebrated this birth of their fourth daughter.  Her sisters Kathy, Diana and Pat came in the three years before and her sister Rhonda joined 5 yrs later.  With five girls in the house, it was full of laughter, pranks and games. Walking the foggy streets to school, they made up names for their imaginary pixie friends, who came up from the manholes and walked with them.  Among the sisters, my mom was the baby of the big girls, known as the dreamer and the artist.  To her little sister, she was a shining star - the popular girl who was always surrounded by friends.

There are two stories that I remember most from my mother’s childhood.  The first happened when she was 13 yrs old.  She was walking home from school one day with her next door neighbor Christie Nuttall.  My mom asked Christie if she wanted to come over.  Christie told my mom that she couldn’t because she needed to help babysit her siblings while her mom and dad went to the temple.  My mom asked her what a temple was, and Christie told her.  She said that because of temples, families could be together forever, even after death.  When my mom’s interest was evident, Christie asked my mom if she wanted to learn more and missionaries were soon knocking at her mom’s door.  I am sure that when those missionaries later baptized this bright-eyed 13 yr old and ordained her a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, they had no idea the eternal impact it would have on not only her, but countless others.

The second story I remember most from my mom’s childhood happened 2 or 3 yrs later.  My mom loved to dance.  So much so that she went to not only her stake dances, but hopped around to other stake dances as well.  One summer night she looked across the cultural hall and saw a kind looking, blonde-haired, tanned surfer boy.  When a girls' choice song was announced she made a beeline straight for him and before the evening was over, they had a date planned.  Now, I have always heard the story from my mom, so I have heard about how she felt, but looking it from my Dad’s perspective, you can imagine how lucky he felt.  If you have seen pictures of my mom as a teenager, she wasn’t far off from the pixies she and her sisters talked about, with her big green eyes, beaming smile, and exuberant personality. She was just downright adorable. When they went out on that first date, my mom and the surfer boy both had a surprise for each other.  She confessed that she was not quite 16 yet, and he told her that he was leaving on a mission in a little more than a month.  They made the most of that time, seeing each other as often as possible, and when she went to school in the fall, all her friends heard about Bob Jeppson.  

In the two years he was gone, she finished high school.  Her creativity shined and she had a favorite art teacher who encouraged her talent.  She was a part of a singing group, The Sound of Youth, who traveled and performed throughout southern California.  She worked at Knott’s Berry Farm, where dressed in an old miner’s costume and once met John Wayne.

And when Bob Jeppson came home, her dream came true.  They were married on January 11, 1974 in the Los Angeles Temple for time and all eternity.  The idea that had drawn her to the church was now a reality for her.  She would have her own eternal family.

Act II

Mother and Leader

No other success can compensate for failure in the home.

Linda’s dream was further fulfilled on August 20, 1975 when she became a mother at age 19.  She and my Dad named their daughter Christie Sue, after the dear friend who had first taught my mom about eternal families.  My dad continued working and going to college in the  Long Beach area and Robert Charles Jr was born to them there in 1977.  When my dad got his first job teaching school in a little town called Blythe, California they moved their little family there, four whole hours away from their families, the beach, and all enjoyable summer temperatures.  When my mom was expecting their third child in 1978, she decided she going to use a midwife.  The midwife had to go out of town unexpectedly very close to my mom’s due date so my parents followed her.  My brother Levi was born in an apartment in Mesa AZ and weighed in a grocery store on a produce scale.  He was given the middle name Owen after the last name of the midwife.  If you haven’t caught on yet, my mom was brave, strong and adventurous, even though I am sure she never would have described herself that way.  All those traits served her well on their next adventure to Idaho, where they lived on a farm while my dad taught high school.  I was born in there in 1981.  After a few years in Idaho, my parents decided that maybe Blythe wasn’t so bad afterall, and they moved back.  It was there that the second half of the Jeppson clan was born. Ashley Rae came in 1983.  Aaron Parkins in 1985.  In 1987, my mom served as an auctioneer for a March of Dimes auction, while she was in labor, and then went to the hospitall and had Lindsey Kay.  In 1989, she was delighted when she got with the red-head she had always wanted with Bryce Alan. He was the red caboose at the end of the Jeppson train.. 8 kids in 14 years. All of us learned to say Christie Bobby Levi Katie Ashley Aaron Lindsey Bryce...and sometimes it seemed like my mom went through each of those names before calling the right one.  

My mom got a lot of comments about how many kids she had, but she was proud to be different.  She was proud that she stayed at home as much as possible and that the work she did there was her pride and joy.  She sewed most of our clothes when I was young and they were AWESOME. I am pretty sure we have pictures of Bishop Jeppson wearing handmade hammer pants.  We can all remember hours spent in discount fabric stores during trips out of town. Not the best memories and I can only imagine how much whining my mom endured for those trips, from the both kids and my dad.  My mom went beyond sewing to artistry, modifying evening gown patterns to create modest prom dresses and sewing my sister Christie her perfect renaissance wedding dress.  The creativity that her high school teacher recognized was put to practical use in caring for her kids in every way she knew how.  

Our family vacations usually centered around visiting family members and camping.  I can still remember the massive amounts of preparation my mom put into hauling a family of ten to the mountains in Southeast Utah.  Bins of food, clothes, games, and even our own porta potty that she would set up with a tarp around it in the woods.  I told you she was a brave woman.  She didn’t think twice about nursing a baby to sleep in the tent and then hopping out to cook a full dutch oven meal.

With 8 kids in the house, my mom was always coming up with new discipline techniques that evolved right along with her parenting level.  We had job charts and time outs and groundings and FHE charts and scripture challenges and nothing was ever adhered to perfectly, but most of the time what needed to happen did happen. Family prayer, on our knees, in a circle, was always a regular event.  More than once it was interrupted by giggling, and more than once that giggling came from my mom, who could never stop laughing once she really started.

  My mom used to say that all she wanted for Mother’s Day was a clean house and happy kids.  Maybe, just maybe,  by the time it was just Lindsey and Bryce in the house she got her wish.  

The gospel of Jesus Christ was never a separate little compartment of her life.  It was in every detail and every hour.  She taught all of us that if you had a talent, you used that talent to bless others and bring them closer to God.  She served as Young Women’s President with a baby on her hip, and brought her nursing babies to girls camp.  My mom showed up early to teach seminary to moody and obnoxious teenagers for years - I would know - I was one of them, and she often had to physically drag me out of bed.  She served as Relief Society President even when her plate was full and trusted that she had divine help to help her through.   The church building was our second home. When I was 12, they combined the 2 wards in Blythe into 1 and called my Dad as bishop.It was a big change for this small town.  Someone in the ward started leaving treats on people’s doorsteps, with a poem about joining together and flying in a V, following the the lead goose. The poem then asked you to make a treat and pass it along to someone else in the new ward.  I never told my mom this, but one day I was snooping around in her drawers and I found the original copy and discovered that my mom had once again used her creativity to try to bless the lives of others.

Our family table hosted every new family that moved in, along with many people who broke down onthe freeway, or even just truckers who were driving through.  My mom welcomed everyone, and sometimes......... that welcome included a planned water ambush.  What mom tells their kids to stand on the roof of the house  with squirt guns, to throw water balloons at their dinner guests?  Our mom, that’s who.  

I didn’t realize it at the time, but my mom had a lot of gall.  She unabashedly demanded you maintain a high level of humor and hilarity while hanging with her.  Which is why the missionaries once showed up to dinner at our house wearing black trash bags with holes cut out for their head and arms - because the time before my mom had “accidentally” started a food fight with them.

My mom also served as a second mom to many a teenager.  She wanted every child to have every opportunity for growth.  Once a year, from the time Christie was in high school on,  she hauled a van full of kids to BYU at the end of August for Education Week..  Most years she rented an apartment for week, and everyone who came along knew that you got to campus for the first class and didn’t leave until after the last.  By the end of the week, everyone was giddy with physical exhaustion and spiritual rejuvenation.  My mom always came home bursting full of quotes and ideas. Her soul loved to learn and grow.  

One of the best lessons my mom taught us, that she never really even talked about, was how to treat your spouse.  None of us ever doubted her love and dedication for my father.  She supported him through all the stress and busyness of life and always spoke of him with a profound respect.  Their marriage was always solid and the security it gave us can’t be underestimated.  

My mom would probably roll her eyes if she were here and I called her a saint of a mother, but she just that. Nelson Mandela said, ““I’m no saint—that is, unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps on trying.”

That was my mom.  She often saw her imperfections staring her in her face. But she kept trying, and she did it in a beautiful partnership with my Dad and with her Heavenly Father.

Act III

Granny and Daughter of God

I am a child of God.

His promises are sure;

Celestial glory shall be mine

If I can but endure

In the summer of 2002, my mom became a grandma.  This was a really big deal.  I remember my sister-in-law Audra saying that when my mom  saw her first grandson Nolan, she just could not stop talking about how cute he was.  Could not.  I hope you can all picture her in your head saying, “He’s so cute.”  She loved her children, but she LOOOOOVED her grandchildren and she unabashedly bragged about them.  Oh, you have three grand-kids? I have 6...then 10, and on and on.   Every single time she went out of town, she bought a postcard for each grandkid and wrote a cute little note in her cute artistic handwriting, all about what she did and how she was thinking of them.  Each child had their own label that she created for them and printed out.   When I had Gabe, she came to help out, and when she went home she promptly created him a label, and sent him a postcard from her trip to Charlotte, telling him to be a good boy for his mommy.

Some of the best memories that my sisters and I have are of having our mom care for us after having babies.  She was so thoughtful - feeding you before you even realized you were hungry. Helping you learn how to breastfeed.Taking care of the older sibling.  Reassuring you that you were doing a wonderful job and that you could do it. Cleaning your garage, making meals, sewing blessing outfits.  The beautiful thing about it was that you knew that she wanted to do it just as much as you needed her to do it.  

Just like she did with her own kids, my mom always tried to point her grand-kids towards their Savior.  She made reverent toys for sacrament meeting, and stuffed nativity sets for every family.  She sent postcards from temples and talked about getting married there.  I think one of her most precious days as a granny was being able to go to the temple to see her adopted grand-kids be sealed into our eternal family.  

My mom’s two main goals for when all her kids were all grown was to be an incredible granny and to serve a mission or two or three with my dad.  She accomplished the first, but the Lord had different plans for her with the second.  Before she even had an empty house, she started to notice some problems with her speech.  Sometimes she would know exactly what she wanted to say but wouldn’t be able to find the words to say it. It was baffling, and frustrating, and depressing.  She told me that during this time, as she knew that something was going on, but didn’t know what, she went to Stake Conference.  The stake president had some open time in the program and starting calling some people on the spot to come up and say a few words.   She panicked as she realized it was all the stake auxiliary presidents.  She was the Stake Primary President at the time.  My mom, who was an incredible public speaker, was petrified that he would call on her and she would not be able to get the words out.  But she also knew that God knew how she felt, and she immediately prayed a silent prayer that she would not be called upon and knew that prayer would be answered, and it was.  This was so representative of mom: she knew God knew her by name and knew her needs.

In 2007, my mom was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia.  Her future suddenly looked very different.  We all knew at that point that she would lose her ability to speak, but it was hard to really take in the enormity of her diagnosis.  She had to slowly mourn the loss of her dreams, and we all had to slowly mourn the loss of our mother and granny.  

My mom had her moments of sadness and frustration, but she tried oh so hard to stay positive. She even started a blog called Joy in the Journey, as a reflection on her valiant effort to look for the beauty in what was left of her life.

My parents moved here to Charlotte to be close to family and every week she came to my house and we sat at my computer typing out her email to her red-headed missionary. It was hard for her, and humbling, but she just had to be a missionary mom to her baby boy.  

She sewed for as long as she could.  She flew across the country for babies and baptisms as long as she could.  She served in the temple as long as she could. She planted flowers and painted. She decorated her house with her typical artistry and every year asked each of us for a new family picture for her family wall so that she could keep bragging about her grand-kids, even if it was done through a beaming smile and pointing.

She still continued to use her talents to bless others.  She and my Dad served in the nursery at church, and her smile was bestowed on a huge group of little toddlers.  I am sure many of you can still picture her with a big bag full of sippy cups, or in the kitchen getting the snacks ready.  That is what Linda Jeppson did.  She served in every way she knew how and even without speaking continued to bless the lives of others.  For nine years, she did just that.

Sometimes you hear someone describing their priorities in such a way as:  God First, Then your spouse and then your kids.  When I was writing this I wondered to myself if I could describe my mom’s priorities in that way, and I can’t.  All three were so intertwined to her. They were all a part of her eternal family.  There is a scripture that I learned in seminary from my mom in Moses 1:39, that says, “For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of Man.”  It is the Lord speaking, saying that all of this - the earth, this plan, the atonement, the scriptures, the prophets - all of it is for one purpose - the immortality and eternal life of man.  I think it is safe to say “For behold, this is Linda’s work and her glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of her husband, her sisters, her children, and her grandchildren.” She loved all of you so much. All of this - all her efforts, had one purpose.   There is nothing she wanted more than to bring you all back to your Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother.

I have no idea if my mom made a choice before she came to earth to bear the burden of PPA, but I do think that if she thought that it would help us draw close to God in a way that nothing else could, she would chose to carry it in a heartbeat.  So I hope we all will allow this sorrow and this trial to do that.  Use this to draw closer to God. She has already taught us compassion and patience through PPA.  I hope we all take our broken hearts to the only one who can truly heal them - our Savior.  

I know that my mom is with Him, and her greatest desire is to greet us all again, with a perfect body and a perfect mind, able to talk and talk and talk and talk some more.  

Remember who you are.

Return with Honor.

I say these things In the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ Amen.