My Nature Story, by Carina Coleman

In the car, wearing a mask, was Carina Coleman and her friends.  They were on the way to Forest School. When they got there, they went to park the car, and they all got out. They played over by the lake for awhile. Then Carina's mom told them to come make their foil dinners.  While the dinners were cooking, they sang.  After the foil dinners were made, two were burnt. They played in nature for awhile and then it was time to go back home. 

 

This weekend

Chad and I went to Lowe's to look for a cabinet to install in our downstairs nook.  Right now there is just the fridge and microwave, and we want to have in a built-in cupboard and counter top. We didn't find what we wanted, but we did buy grass seed and soil to cover up the pool area. Chad spent a lot of time doing that while Carina and I worked on outdoor Halloween decorations.  Then I transplanted some impatiens that were running out of room, tied up some dahlias, and pulled some weeds. We have mums in pots and green grass. I love fall. 

Elysée has struggled the last couple of days. Her food anxiety seems to have roared back to life, bringing with it mumbling and clipped arguments about everything. This evening during dinner Gabe said that grass is green, and she shot back, "Not always." Everyone laughed because they knew he had said it just to see if she would argue. Before bed, I hugged her and told her I would do anything I could to help her - that I love her and I know tomorrow will be better. I know she's dealing with old trauma. We ALL have our moments- even those of us who haven't been through so much. 

Here's to better a good day tomorrow- Oliver is the only one with school!

Also, the boys went to church before us to prepare the sacrament (for our once-a-month-socially-distanced meeting). When we got there, Colin was sitting with the Jeppsons. I kept glancing over at him to make sure he wasn't on his phone. I did this a half dozen times, impressed every time that he wasn't. Then I remembered he doesn't have his phone! Wah. Poor Colin. He had to sent it to Apple and they charged him $570 to fix a problem they caused and I think it craziness but at least Colin has been working almost 40 hours a week and could pay for it. He is such a hard worker! He also took the SAT yesterday and felt like he did well. I'm excited to see what his future holds! I have faith that he'll learn the things he needs to learn. 

A Little Child

I was up until 1 am last night, thinking about summer.  We have our above-ground (not yet set-up) pool, we have some running goals, and that's about it.  It's a summer without Carowinds and no travel on the horizon.  It's probably a summer when we say goodbye to our beach house.

There's a schedule mapped out in Google Docs now, just like the summers before.  But the kids are older and wiser (than me) now. I'm still struggling between giving them choices while also giving them responsibilities - giving them freedoom while also encouraging them to do something more than sit with a controller in their hands all day.

This is the constant struggle of being a parent - especially the parent of teenagers.  I want to guide them, not push them. But I have to create boundaries. I do. 

Sometimes I look back at the baby pictures and long for the simple parenting acts of those days: nursing, changing diapers, reading books, singing songs.  None of those acts were exciting or cool, but I felt confident in them.  I long for the simplicity of knowing that I am doing exactly what I should as a parent.

With the complexity of parenting young adults comes a new kind of delight: sharing jokes, making plans and talking smack about the latest conspiracy theories.  All of these moments reveal brains that have developed far past the basic infantile thoughts of food and comfort - brains that have experienced and learned things completely separate from my motherly influence.

When I feel the tug tug tug of rebellion, the straining to abolish my boundaries, the wild anxiety that manifests as anger every time I hold fast to the sureness of my decrees, can I picture those brains?  The brains that are still developing. The brains that will build connections based on my reaction, for better or worse.

I can try. I can pray. That's about all I can do. 

— Jesus once was a little child,

A little child like me;

And he was pure and meek and mild,

As a little child should be.

So, little children,

Let’s you and I

Try to be like him,

Try, try, try.

Carina's Favorite Things

Food: Orange Chicken and Chow Mein 

Toy: Mr. Fluffer

Primary song: Close As a Quiet Prayer

Dessert: Popsicles

Book: Princess in Black

Activity: Swimming

Store: Target

Color: Blue

Flowers

Mom told me go and find as many different  color flowers as I could find. Elysée 

Well I have to write something so here we go. Im gonna write about my summer. I'm really hoping I can get my job sorted out soon so I can get out of the house. The Y has had a few days to respond but I haven't heard anything back yet. Ill give them a bit more before I send another email back. I'm actually kinda excited to be working there because I have a few friends that also work there that I'd hopefully be able to see. I haven't hung out with them in so long so it'll hopefully be nice to be able to talk to them in person after this long.
-Colin

Hosanna

I cut a sheet up, right along one sewn edge.  After hemming one square, I left the other seven with unfinished edges, knowing that they would probably be forgotten by the evening.  I wanted them to be precious momentos, but I have been a mom for seventeen years now, so I have had some hard lessons. One (that I still sometimes deny) is that when I push for a sentimental response from my children, they are more likely to remember a disappointed mom than a present one. Because they just don't care about the same things as I do. While I was making hankerchiefs, they were thinking about what they wanted to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, rummaging through the fridge and pantry.

After laying the hankerchiefs aside, unfinished but ready, I moved onto a project that was just for me. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking for the newly purchased painters' tape, giving up on said painters', then using other painters' tape to block out a chalk-painting on my driveway that shouted, "Hosanna!". Because I am sentimental and I care about picture-picture moments, and I was going to do something to mark this holy day (even if it took all day).

When the Hosanna Shout came that afternoon, I had just finished a piece of Oliver's plotted and kneaded pizza. Simone sat next to me, yanking on her dolly's hair. Colin's hand itched to grab his phone and Chad's eyes squinted to stay open. I called Elysée and Carina in from wandering through the living room and into my bathroom and back again. They had my high heels on, smelled like they had been bathing in perfume, and looked like they had been rolling in makeup. 

I shushed and fussed and told everyone to grab their hankerchiefs. Gabe accused Elysée of grabbing his. Elysée has never met an accusation she isn't willing to fight to the grave, so I knew this conflict was not going to be solved in the brief moment we had before we needed to raise our voices together. I tossed my own hankerchief to Gabe and ran to my bathroom to grab a tissue that wasn't there. I heard the shout begin and ran back to awkwardly wave my hand in the air and pretend that it was a meaningful moment for me.

After the session was over, I went back to painting my chalk masterpiece with a Pinterest recipe that was too lumpy. I added water, then more cornstarch and more food dye and altered my plan in my head because the original simply wasn't going to happen. I looked for more cornstarch, found none, and grabbed some old potato starch. 

I thought about my kids and worried and felt no peace at all.  I prayed and asked for peace and felt the cool breeze and heard the birds.  

Nothing really changed but I kept painting and my kids left me alone. 

I thought about this old blog for some reason, and decided to revive it.

When I finally pulled the tape off my completed painting, after the second session, Colin was there. He said it was a mess, but I defended it. It wasn't what I had planned, but it was what I was capable of, with what I had on hand. I hadn't given up. It was mine and it was meaningful. 

I would take a picture in the morning and write about it. 

I laid in bed tonight after forcing the oldest two into theirs. I downloaded the Blogger app onto my phone. While typing the first few sentences of this post with faint little deet deet deets in the dark, Chad laying next to me with his earbuds in, I thought I heard a noise. 

Rain? 

Alexa and been consulted repeatedly and had insisted it wasn't possible.

I grabbed my phone to take a horrible flashy picture of my artistic offering before it streaked under the car and into the mulch.

 

Hosanna! 

Save me, sweet Savior!

Take my imperfect offerings and sanctify them.

Save me and my family from ourselves.