Families - more than important

God started it all with a family - Adam and Eve.

He gave the Abrahamic covenant to a family.

Exaltation is only possible as a family.

I don't know all the reasons why God accomplishes so much of His work through the family unit, but I can make some educated guesses. 

When families are functioning as they should, they're where we first learn to trust. Our hunger is met when we cry out. We are warmed and comforted. And what is beautiful about these moments of connection is that our parents are learning valuable lessons of trust right alongside us. Their capacity to care and protect expands. Their discipline is sharpened as they stay awake through feedings, and their self-focus diminishes as they intensely administer to someone else's every need through every hour of the day. 

Most of the gospel learning that we do for the rest of our lives will look very similar to the basic care that we experience both as children and parents. We learn to trust in Heavenly Parents. We experience their love for us as they tenderly care for us. Then we learn how to use that love to look outside of ourselves and care for others. Every part of the gospel points back to those two types of love.

This is true through the work of the Abrahamic covenant, through our marriage covenants, in our callings, and in every interaction with our neighbors. Trust and love - towards God, and towards each other - are key.  We need each other. 

Right now

 I am home alone.

Chad is on his way to our rental property in North Myrtle Beach. It's a warm weekend, so they are getting away for fun and a little bit of work that needs to be done on the house.

Colin (who doesn't live here, of course) is getting ready to host a regional mock trial competition at UNC Charlotte. He is the club president and in charge of the whole thing, so I imagine his stress level is high at the moment. He won't be competing, but he did compete somewhere in Kentucky last week.

Gabe (who also doesn't live it home) is doing.... who knows what? But he came to visit Isla (his girlfriend) last weekend and hung out with us on Sunday. I got to chat with him and cut his hair.

Oliver is at work at Sam's Car Wash. He has to work tomorrow, as well - which is why he (and I) needed to stay home.

Elysee is at drama rehearsal for Sherk Jr, which opens next week. I had it mixed up in my head that she didn't have rehearsal toady, so I kept waiting for her to get off the bus. I finally called her and she said, "Um, mom, I'm at rehearsal." Because of rehearsal and babysitting job tomorrow evening, she stayed home.

Carina is with Chad, probably watching Mean Girls on her Kindle, and looking forward to Panda Express. Same for Simone, only with a different show.  

Me... I am working on homework, just not at the moment. I have these vague thoughts about possibly going to grad school sometime in the future, but I also don't feel like doing my homework, so.... who knows? I just fed the dogs, who are extra barky because they keep watching for the kids to get home. Cici is also here. 

The Plan of Salvation

 Written for a class, but still sincere:

The aspect of the Plan of Salvation that I am most grateful is the idea that this life is a chance to

learn and grow, and that through that experience, we can understand for ourselves why good is

good and why evil is evil.

Our Father in heaven wants us to not only learn to comply with His plan, He wants us to

understand why His plan is what’s best. He lets us learn that through our own experience.

When we make choices that hurt us and the people around use, we feel pain and see the

consequences of our choices and understand better why sin is considered sin. When we focus

on things that aren’t important, and consequently feel ourselves losing perspective or being

overwhelmed by worldly concerns, we understand why we want to stay close to God. We

understand that He has given us ways to do that, and we want to honor His commandments

and covenants. God lets us learn for ourselves because that kind of wisdom is important for His

Heirs. We will have the chance to be like Him.

It's precious to me to understand that sin and transgressions were a part of His plan because it

gives me the strength and hope I need to keep going. I can take the lessons I learn, repent, and

become even stronger. The most beautiful thing about that is that each time I do so, I love God

and Jesus Christ even more.

 

My Religious Journey

Written for a class

by Katie Lynn Jeppson Coleman

January 17, 2025

            I was born to parents who believed that God was real, that He still spoke to men and women on earth. My father, Robert Charles Jeppson, Sr., was born to parents who also believed. My mother, Linda Sue Parkins, was taught by missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when she was 13 years old, and was baptized. They raised their 8 children with family prayer, Family Home Evening, three hours of church every Sunday, and scripture study. I can remember the old Family Home Evening manual, with lessons and game ideas.  I remember one year when our ward was challenged to read the Book of Mormon and our family completed the challenge (though I also remember thinking we had to rush at the end). 

            One of the main lessons I can remember being taught, mainly in the context of daily living and through example, was that we had a Heavenly Father we could pray to for assistance. My parents prayed to know what to do about my dad’s career. They prayed to understand what God wanted them to do as parents.  They prayed for help when our car broke down.  They prayed when we couldn’t find something.  They prayed about their church callings. They taught us to believe that we could be guided by this loving personage, who was real and who knew far more than we did.

            Most of my earliest prayers were infrequent and probably more like a child asking for something from a vending machine.  I can remember praying for help before I danced in competitions, and praying for help that God would help the audience feel the Spirit when I danced, but I’m not sure when the second part of that prayer started. It was probably by 5^th grade, when I danced to the Janice Kapp Perry song, “My Nature is Divine.” I definitely prayed for help as a child in finding things, because I have always been forgetful and naturally disorganized. 

            When I was young, I can remember a lot of talk about gaining a testimony, and I think I thought of it as some kind of singular event that would happen all at once, and then I would have “A Testimony” and never lose it. I can picture myself at a particular missionary farewell, in church, feeling the Spirit, and wondering if I had a testimony now. 

One of my most poignant experiences with the Spirit occurred when I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting about the Savior. I must have been around 13.  We didn’t have the internet back then, so any relevant quotes about our topics needed to come from the scriptures or other gospel-related books. I decided that I was going to sincerely think about the topic and ask God for help in writing my talk. Of course I shared a room with my sisters, and there weren’t many quiet places to think or write in our house. After everyone else went to bed, I lit a candle in my room, and I prayed and wrote by candlelight. I felt guided in organizing my thoughts, in knowing what to write, and I felt the Spirit telling me that what I was writing was true.  When I gave the talk the next day, I felt the same feelings, and I could tell that the congregation did as well. I had many people share with me that it touched them, and my dad wrote me a note telling me how proud he was of me.  This experience was one of the first of many I had where a desire for action was tied to the gift of the Holy Ghost. I wanted sincerely to write and share truth with others, and the Holy Ghost helped me to know what to do. Even though I didn’t recognize that pattern at the time, it is one that has shown up in my life over and over again.

Another pattern of feeling God’s presence in my life that I have recognized has been when I needed comfort or reassurance about who I am.  Around the same period of time, I felt the degrading influence of the world talking to me about my worth as a female, tying it to my weight.  I had been a ballet dancer since I was 6, and it was a large part of my identity. Ballet dancers are supposed to be very lean, without curves. As I went through puberty, curves came, and for the first time, I started to wonder if I should eat to fullness. This was heightened one day when my dance teacher talked about how she needed to lose five pounds, and told us her weight. I was already heavier than her, and I was only a teenager. I decided to stop eating so much. But every time I decided that, I would get really hungry and then eat, and I would feel ashamed.  Once, I made myself throw up what I had eaten. Later, when it happened again, I went into the bathroom with the plan to throw up. But instead, I fell to my knees and prayed. God told me that it was the adversary making me feel that way – that those feelings were not from Him and that He loved me.  Even though I battled with feelings of insecurity about my body many times after that, I never forced myself to throw up again, and I always remembered that those degrading feelings came from the enemy. I was determined not to listen to him more than I listened to God about who I was.

Recognizing those two patterns has shaped my life. I have gone long periods of time where I wasn’t completely tied to God in thought and action, but I have still had countless experiences where God has helped me know what to do, and when He has told me who I am.

Closely tied to my experiences with the Spirit has been my desire to live His commandments. My parents (and I would say the church as a whole), emphasized the phrase “Choose the Right” over and over again when I was growing up.  Even though I had plenty of rebellious periods (like a severe potty mouth at school in sixth grade), I did have a desire to do what was right.  The problem was, many times, to me, that meant following a list of outward rules that everyone could see – like modesty, not swearing, not dating before 16, not watching R-rated movies, not drinking caffeine, etc, - and many times that left out some important rules like being kind and loving to others.  By eighth grade, I was determined to live righteously in an outward sense, but I was still gossiping. I was still very unkind to some of the girls my age when I was trying to be funny.  This duality would go on through high school, though I do know there were a few instances where I stood up for others when others were being unkind. I also know that I harshly judged my friends who were going to drinking parties in the desert and wearing clothes that I considered immodest. 

I’m sure I was also influenced by my first bout of depression at age 16. Since I had recently also broken my own rules and gotten a boyfriend (Chad – who would later become my husband), some of my friends and church leaders tied that fact to my change in demeanor. I was talked about a lot behind my back, my grades fell, and my parents worried about me. My mom, ahead of her time like she often was, recognized my symptoms because she and my brother had both experienced clinical depression. She took me to therapy and to a doctor. With medication, I improved, but many of my relationships with other church members had been damaged by my self-isolation and the knowledge that, when I had been suffering, a lot of the people I trusted had been questioning my righteousness. Even my Young Women’s president took me aside and told me I was ignoring my friends in favor of a cute boy, not having any idea of what I was going through.  When I went to the stake president for my BYU application interview, he pressed me heavily on the fact that I had had a boyfriend (who was now on a mission), questioning me about whether I was truly chaste. I barely knew him, and I felt both shame and indignation.  Looking back, I can see why being kind to others wasn’t always tied to righteousness in my head. Rules and appearances were heavily emphasized in church culture at the time.

In college, at BYU, I started to question my own rules of strictness a bit. I drank Dr. Pepper for the first time (gasp). I had discussions with a friend about many of the tough parts of LDS history, like polygamy and the priesthood ban.  I also struggled with my mental health again.  Even though I often went to God in prayer for help, I let my testimony float along for several years.  As I became less self-righteous, I also became less certain about everything. Basically, I had to leave my simpler ideas of faith and righteousness behind, and I had not yet accepted a more nuanced faith.

I married in the temple to that high school boyfriend. I didn’t realize how much I was still struggling, mentally, but I found it hard to do some basic things, like drive across town, look for jobs, talk to people, and go to Relief Society, not to mention the things that other people couldn’t see, like clean my house. I would often find reasons to go home after sacrament meeting and to avoid others. I hid it pretty well from most people, but I was basically just letting life carry me along.

I was also still talking to that friend from college, who dove deeper and deeper into the issues of the church. They decided to leave - not just our religion, but all religion and belief in God – and announced that decision to me over instant messenger. I was determined to always treat them the same and was sympathetic to them. I had left the issues we had talked about in the darkest recesses of my brain, but this friend’s decision pushed me to ask myself if I would also eventually leave. Did I believe that Joseph Smith had truly seen God and translated the Book of Mormon? Did I truly believe that God knew me? No matter how much I thought about it, I came to the same conclusion: I could not deny that I believed. I did.

So why wasn’t I doing more about it? I had allowed myself to be ambivalent towards the gospel, but I couldn’t really allow that anymore. 

Another experience also influenced my commitment to God. We had our first child, Colin.  My mother came to help us care for him. It was very difficult at first. He had severe jaundice, so they gave us a little phototherapy bed to lower his bilirubin levels. He had to sleep there with a mask on to protect his eyes. One of us had to be watching him at all times, so that he wouldn’t pull the mask off and so that he wouldn’t overheat.  In my exhaustion, I was incredibly anxious, and often insisted on being the one who stayed with him, which led to further exhaustion. Colin would get his heel pricked to draw and test his blood almost daily. His bilirubin levels kept dropping, so we were able to have him sleep in the bed less often. But he became very fussy.  None of us could soothe him, not even my very experienced mother.  When we did manage to get him to sleep and put him in his bassinet, he would wake up quickly and cry again. His bilirubin levels also kept raising again, threatening his brain development and requiring daily trips to the Dr., and a subsequent return to the bilirubin treatments. Even the Dr. was baffled about what was going on.

Dealing with all of this while learning to breastfeed and adjusting to being completely tied down all day every day was very stressful. One night, I asked my husband for a blessing so I could know how to help Colin. I can’t remember the blessing at all, but immediately a directive came into my thoughts, clearer than any thoughts I had had for days. I was told to breastfeed Colin every hour-and-a-half, and that that hour-and-a-half should be timed from the beginning of the feeding. I should do this 24 hours a day, even waking him when he was sleeping.  So, often, I would feed Colin for 45 minutes and then need to start again 45 minutes later. It worked perfectly. He became the calmest baby. Even though I was still exhausted, my baby was okay, so I also was. Colin was eventually diagnosed with a rare type of jaundice, which lasted through his first month of life, but there were not lasting affects to his brain.  I knew without a doubt that God had told me what to do to help Colin. My confidence as both a mother and a daughter of God grew by leaps and bounds.  I turned to God more and more often, and I felt invigorated by my job of caring for Colin. 

My commitment to God and His gospel has remained since then this period. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had moments, days, and seasons of being less committed to God. I have.  I have still had periods where I haven’t opened my scriptures for far too long. I have neglected my relationship with God at times.  I haven’t always been diligent about going to the temple.  I have also still struggled with depression and anxiety, as well, which complicates things. I have had to learn that one of the indications that I am struggling with depression again is when I am doing what I am supposed to but still don’t feel the Spirit.  I have had to separate my ideas of worthiness from my very real and physical struggles with mental health. 

I have still had crises of faith, when I have again faced hard issues, and I have asked myself, “Do I really believe?”. Sometimes, the answer is that, at that moment, I choose to believe, based on all my past experiences.  I have had even more profound experiences with God lifting me up and telling me who I am, and in those moments, I feel like I will never doubt again. But that is not how life works, especially when you struggle with depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  That isn’t how life works when you are surrounded by different ideas, issues, and questions that you can barely wrap your brain around. My faith has gone through many high periods of strength and simplicity, followed by periods of complexity and adjustment. I have learned to understand that that is normal.  I don’t just blindly accept every issue of the gospel, its history, and the imperfection of our leaders. But I also understand that I can’t blind myself to what I do know or what I have experienced and throw all of that away every time I run into something difficult. I wouldn’t be honest if I did. I have also learned that not everyone is as sincere with their gospel discussions as they would have you believe. I try really hard not to be that way. I try really hard to be humble enough to not suppose I have ever attained some height of knowledge and wisdom that makes it so I can see things as clearly as God, or more clearly than His ordained leaders.

Another adjustment that I have made (and I have seen the church as a whole make in my lifetime), is a greater focus on Jesus Christ and His atonement.  The faith of my childhood stood more on my Heavenly Father and my relationship with Him. But God demonstrated His love for us through His Son. He wants us to experience His love through Jesus Christ, and I have learned to do that as an adult. I have learned that His atonement isn’t just there for the big sins.  When I rely on Jesus Christ, by approaching Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit, I am continually sanctified.  I try to bring my sorrows and my sins to Him when I take the sacrament and when I pray. No matter how broad or grand my perspective of the gospel becomes, I am lost without that relationship. I am always at my happiest, most peaceful, most loving, and healthiest state when I am relying on Jesus and turning to Him over and over again. 

I keep the commandments now not because I want to prove my righteousness, but because I love Christ and trust Him, and because not keeping His commandments is a betrayal to both Him and myself. I want to remain close to Him – having His influence, mercy, compassion, and perspective – and honoring His laws is one way to do that.

How I treat others is just as closely tied to my love for Him. I want to be like Him – always seeing others as incredible souls with divine potential. I want to not hurt people, not lessen His light in their lives.  That kind of love is entirely up to me. It can’t be lessened by others’ actions or decisions. I am responsible for how I feel towards others, no matter how they treat me or what they believe.  There is great power in this kind of charity.

My callings in the church have allowed me to experience Christ’s mercy and compassion over and over again, not just towards myself, but towards others. Like I have mentioned, I have faced depression, anxiety, and ADHD, which all affect my executive functioning and my ability to fulfill my callings. I can see how poorly I served as a primary secretary right after having Gabe, when I was adjusting to life with two kids. But as I have continued to try, and to care, relying on the Holy Ghost, God has given me strength and ability. I have served imperfectly as an activity day leader, a Primary counselor multiple times, stake Primary counselor and president, Young Women’s counselor multiple times, Primary music leader, seminary teacher, and Relief Society president.  I felt overwhelmed many times when called, and honestly never ever expected to be called as Relief Society president because of my struggles with executive functioning, but I have trusted God to help me do His work. I hope that I have been able to point others to their Savior through my church service. 

I have also felt His power and influence when giving talks or teaching. I have felt His guidance as He tells me what to write and share. I have felt the Spirit while teaching, and I have had countless people tell me that what I shared truly mattered to them. I write this down not to boast, but as a record that God works through weak people. I am one of those weak people. I am grateful that He has used me as in instrument in His work – it is a testament to me of His power.

I mentioned earlier that I have seen a pattern of receiving answers when I have asked what action to take to help others. Nowhere has this pattern shown up more than my familial relationships. Starting with Colin’s breastfeeding schedule, God has given me His wisdom in order to help my kids so many times that I can’t record them all here. He has told me when to take kids to the Dr, what kind of reading help to get them, what to say to them when they are struggling, when to shut my mouth, and when to sit back at trust His timing and ways of working with them.  Any lasting good I have done as a mother has been because of His influence and power in my life. 

The same is true for my relationship with my husband, Chad. Starting with our friendship in high school, when God kept prompting me to befriend the new kid at school, God has always given me inspiration about how to treat Chad – that is, when I humble myself and ask. I am not a perfect wife, but I am a much better one because of God’s guidance. 

Every aspect of my life – my education, my health, my home, my family, how I spend my time – has been influenced by my knowledge of God and my relationship with Him and His Son.

Class Assignment

 

●     What are some of your thoughts and feelings about the Savior, Jesus Christ?
Take some time to reflect and provide a thoughtful response, a paragraph or more.

 

My understanding of Jesus Christ is most poignant and thorough when I am actively using His atonement in my life. I have spent years studying His works and His example, and I understand Him in intellectual sense. That understanding is very powerful in so many ways – for example, when I have spent too much time scrolling online and I need His truth spoken to me clearly. His words and example are like a light that shines through the murky world of false and incomplete wisdom. However, I think there is understanding that extends past what my brain can fully grasp right now. I think we are all blind babies in our understanding of universal, eternal truth and will always be with our very limited, temporary brains. I think there is a vast chasm between my intellectual capacity and God’s intellectual capacity – as vast as the universe. So, even Christ’s words and example can only take me so far.

 

When I actually acknowledge how imperfect I am, how limited my understanding is, how even my good intentions can be harmful sometimes, and I turn to Christ with that acknowledgement, I can feel His power and perfect understanding wipe away all my imperfections and replace my despair with peace, hope, and charity. That is what the atonement means to me – that I can simultaneously realize that I am weak while also having the power and strength to carry on in hope. The feeling of using the atonement can’t be fully captured in words.  I feel it with my spirit – the part of me that lived with God before, lives now, and will live forever. When I turn to Christ with a “broken heart and contrite spirit,” that part of me receives the eternal light that gave me the courage to choose to come to earth, the light that gives me the love I need to carry on God’s work, and the light that tells me I will see my deceased mother again. Christ’s atonement is most real to me when I act on it, by turning to Him for help, over and over and over again.

Back-to-School 2024

 Back-to-School began early this year, on August 13, because we moved Gabe up to App State. It was a cloudy, drizzly day and we got stuck in an hour of traffic in the last quarter of the drive, as everyone was trying to get to the dorms. Isla, Gabe's girlfriend, met us there. After Chad and I moved his belongings in, there wasn't much else for us to do but say goodbye and head home. We were both feeling emotional, so we stopped at Texas Roadhouse on the way home to split a giant steak.  

We spent the next week in North Myrtle Beach, at our rental property, trying to vacation and trying to get stuff done. We tried to tackle too much stuff. We filled a dumpster full, and that was without the sectional, the four dining tables with chairs (that someone claimed from the curb - thank you, stranger), mattresses that our drywall guy took home, and piles of cardboard my dad took to the dump. It was a lot. I emphasize here again - TOO MUCH. But we did learn that Simone is super strong and enjoys putting furniture together with Chad. Oliver also helped a lot, and Elysee helped a medium amount, and Carina chilled out.  We all have our roles, right?

I came home that Friday, the 23rd, with Oliver, Simone, and our dogs, so that I could go to a Heritage Learning Center meeting the next morning. After that meeting, I spent the rest of the day doing schoolwork, braiding Simone's hair, and cutting Oliver's. Chad and the other girls came home that day. On Sunday, I got up at 6 to braid Elysee's hair, took a break for ward council at 8, and then resumed until it was time to go to church. She and I were late. Mom-of-the-year. 

After church, I started cooking. It was Oliver's bday! I cooked steaks, tasteless couscous and asparagus. Carina made bruschetta.  Bobby, Sabina, Liam, (and Sam Sheppard and Ari Willoughby - surprise!) came over at 3:30 because they had to get to a meeting at 5. I wasn't done cooking yet, so we had sundaes first. After they left, Colin came over and hung out until 8 am. WHEW. I was exhausted and I'm exhausted even writing about it, and we haven't even gotten to the first day yet!

The previous week, when Chad was stressing about getting things done, I pointed out that I didn't have Heritage classes yet, and offered to go back on Monday, the 26th, to finish things up. 

Elysee and Simone got themselves up and ready and got on the bus like the mature teenagers they are. Then I vegged a little, because...again, EXHAUSTED. Carina packed to go with me. As I sat there, thinking about boring it would be for her there, and about how Chad would be home by 2:30 every day I was gone, because he had to pick up Oliver, I realized it would probably be better for all involved if she stayed behind. She whole-heartedly agreed and so did Chad. 

So I spent Monday to Thursday driving to the beach house, putting beds together, rearranging furniture, meeting with the drywall guys and floor guys, sweeping up outside, putting new shower curtains on...and so on. I listened to a couple of audiobooks, did some schoolwork, barely rested at all, watched a Netflix doc, and felt very satisfied with how much work I could get done through the power of hyperfocus and few distractions. No cooking! No one to think about but myself! 

Faith in Jesus Christ and Embracing the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement

 Given at the adult session of stake conference on August 12, 2023, Gastonia Stake, North Carolina

President Sheppard asked me to speak on “Faith in Jesus Christ and Embracing the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement,” and I’d like to begin by telling you how I prepared to give this talk. I promise that there is a purpose behind this if you hold on. 

I’ve studied faith for years for a lot of personal reasons, diligently marking scriptures about it, and analyzing the strength of my own faith. I’ve also felt the power of the Savior’s infinite atonement over and over again in my life. So, I thought I was well prepared to speak on this topic. I spent the last few weeks pondering, praying for help in putting my thoughts into words, and vigorously writing down what I wanted to say to all of you.  This past Monday, I even took my daughters and 3 of their friends to Carowinds, and while they went on waterslides, I sat, sweating with my notebook, handwriting my talk .

But despite my best efforts, my brain has been muddled. Not only has it been painful to write every time I’ve put pen to paper, I’ve been making countless human, but nevertheless embarrassing errors in my everyday life. So many of my attempts this past week at doing good -in my calling, in my family, with missionary work, and even temple work - have been riddled with errors caused by my faults and weaknesses. Whatever you are imagining, I promise it has been worse. It’s been so frustrating, and honestly, a little weird. I’ve felt like 16-year-old, immature, zitty and messy Katie, not middle-aged and graying, Relief Society President Katie.  

Last night at midnight, I was attempting to finish this talk once again, inwardly berating myself for not being done, feeling old feelings of shame telling me that if I had just done x, y, and z, I wouldn’t have been in this situation at all. Hadn’t I improved my problems with focus and procrastination? Couldn’t I manage to write a measly 15 minute talk a week in advance? I was mad at myself for not being done, while also mad at myself for thinking that my little talk mattered enough to be this worked up about.  I was telling myself, like my 17-year-old son, often tells me, “It’s not that deep.” Let me tell you, that’s not an ideal situation for feeling the spirit. In desperation, I knelt and cried, and apologized to God for getting myself into this situation, and being so angry and stressed, and I figuratively threw my hands in the air and said, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.” 

It was a little startling to me how quickly I realized that my stress and inability to move forward was being caused by trying to write about what I wanted to write about. I had wanted to write well ahead of time to make sure I expressed myself perfectly, so that I felt calm in my assurance that I could share what I knew to be true. I wanted to be unfrazzled, prepared, and well-spoken. None of those things were horrible, but I had shifted from a place of humility to a place of pride. In my thoughts and preparations I had assumed that God wanted one thing out of me, when He had something else in mind. 

I had thought He wanted to use my strengths, when He had actually been waiting for me to admit my weaknesses. I wanted to speak about what I already knew, instead of being receptive to new light and knowledge that might stretch me. 

It was also astonishing how quickly - after He revealed this to me and I tried to repent by realigning my desires with His - that a certain scripture came to mind, and then another, and I was soon jotting down an outline. So, having told you this story, which I promise will be relevant to my talk, I’ve put aside the pages and pages I wrote well ahead of time, and I’m going to imperfectly share the words that were written today. 

One of my favorite scripture stories tells of Moses and the children of Israel in the wilderness. They have had the faith to follow Moses into the wilderness. They are bitten by fiery serpents. Moses makes a brass serpent, puts it on a staff, and all they have to do is look at it to be healed.  It seems to be one of Nephi’s favorites as well, because He references it more than once, and he uses it teach his brothers about faith in Christ. In Nephi 17, he says,

41 He sent fiery flying bserpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be chealed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the dsimpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.

I love this story because it simplifies faith so beautifully and hopefully. It really is that easy - when we are sick with sin, panicked and afraid, we really just need to have enough faith in our Savior to look to Him for healing, and He’ll do it! I have no doubt that most, if not all of us in this room, have had that faith and have felt that healing, and that’s why we’re here at all.  

A parallel story in the New Testament is one that Elder Stanfill spoke so eloquently about in our last General Conference. The disciples are on a boat during a storm, already scared, when they see Jesus walking towards them on the water. Peter has the faith to step out onto that water and walk towards Him, but,“when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.”

Haven’t we all gained a love and an appreciation for Peter this year?  We are all Peter, the same way we are all the children of Israel. We have all looked towards, and stepped towards, the Savior, when we are scared out of our minds, and we have all relied on Him to save us when we are dying and drowning. That’s faith in Jesus Christ. If you remember from my topic assignment, that’s the first part - faith in Jesus Christ. Now I want to talk about the second part of my topic, “Embracing the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement,”  with another Peter story.  

After this incredible experience, Peter has continued to follow the Savior, showing faith in Him, and learning from Him, and now He is sitting with him at the last supper.  Supper has ended. The Savior knows His time with Peter and the other disciples is coming to an end. If you want to read along with me, I will be in John 13, starting at verse 4, 

4. He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.

5 After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

6 Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet?

7 Jesus answered and said unto him, What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.

8 Peter saith unto him, Thou shalt never wash my feet. 

I’m going to pause here for a minute because when I read this scripture during our “Come, Follow Me” study earlier this year, it was one of those moments where I could truly liken the scriptures unto myself. I had a visceral reaction when I imagined being Peter. The Savior has shown him how mighty, powerful, compassionate, kind and merciful He is. He has already pulled Peter from the depths of the stormy sea. Now He is kneeling before Peter, at the end of a long day, wanting to wash the filth from his sandal-clad, stinky, feet - pretty much my feet after I went to Carowinds the other day. I can’t speak for Peter and his hesitations, but I can imagine why I would hesitate. I would be embarrassed and uncomfortable letting the master of ocean and earth and skies even get a good look at my feet, let alone touch them, and then to use his own, clean towel to wash them clean? I might feel like, “That’s not how things are done - it’s all mixed up.”

or…

Can’t I do that myself?   I mean, give me the supplies and I promise, I’ll do it. I’m good. I might be embarrassed that I let my feet get that dirty to begin with. It’s like the equivalent of letting your clean-freak ministering sister scrub your moldering, overflowing refrigerator.  I don’t want you to know that while you are this clean, I am this dirty.  

Or

I might have thought, “I’m used to being this way - why bother? I’m just going to walk back out into the streets, and no matter my best efforts, my feet will get dirty again. Please don’t waste your efforts on me….and maybe?  Don’t remind me what it feels like to be clean because then feeling filthy again will be a very, very uncomfortable contrast.” 

So as I was imagining all of that, in Peter’s stead, the next part of the verse really struck me.

Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.

Peter, who has already shown great faith in Jesus, Peter, who has followed the Savior, who the Savior had rescued, would have NO part with the Savior, if He could not allow the Savior to wash him.  It was not just an act of service the Savior was offering, it was a necessity.

This is where I think the second part of my topic comes in - Embracing the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement.  I could talk for hours about this, and indeed, wrote pages and pages, about how faith leads us to look to the Savior when we have been bitten by fiery serpents or we are drowning.  We often have faith that His Atonement is infinite enough to save us from those dramatic situations.

But this kind of faith that the Savior was asking of Peter when He washed His feet is less dramatic, more humbling, and somehow, at least for me, harder to exercise on a regular basis. This kind of faith may be acknowledging that the word “infinite" here might mean over and over and over again.  This kind of faith is also essential if I want to face God, “clean every whit.”

This is what President Nelson has said about this:

“Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance. Repentance is not an event; it is a process. When coupled with faith, repentance opens our access to the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.7

Whether you are diligently moving along the covenant path, have slipped or stepped from the covenant path, or can’t even see the path from where you are now, I plead with you to repent. Experience the strengthening power of daily repentance—of doing and being a little better each day.” 

I propose to you this evening that this kind of faith - the faith to bring our dirty feet to the Savior, daily, to humbly let Him wash them, is what moves us from accepting the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement to Embracing the Priceless Gift of His Infinite Atonement.  

It can be uncomfortable for you, maybe for the same reasons I proposed earlier - maybe you feel unworthy. Maybe it’s embarrassing. Maybe you just don’t feel like thinking about it. Maybe it’s discouraging. Maybe you feel like you should be past this. Maybe you’ve created your own assumptions about what a disciple of Christ should be, how strong you are, how you are going to deal with these problems yourself. Maybe you are ashamed that, as someone who has experienced great miracles in your life, you still need help with your little weaknesses. Maybe as you’ve studied the prodigal son, you’ve always been considered the son who stayed home and worked on his father’s farm faithfully, watching as the prodigal son blew his inheritance, and you’ve thought of repentance as being for those big sins that you haven’t even committed. 

Daily repentance requires us to admit to ourselves that we need daily repentance. It sometimes forces us to stop assuming that we know what God wants from us, and instead ask Him. It requires us to stop focusing on our strengths, imagining all the good that we can do for God because of those strengths, and asks us to focus on our weaknesses…… letting Him do what He wants to do with us, working on what He wants us to, and letting Him guide our lives. It wasn’t completely unrighteous for me to want to mold my future by having a well-written talk way ahead of time, just as it isn’t unrighteousness to want to shape your future in such a way that you don’t have to repent as often. But what is even more righteous is to acknowledge that despite your best efforts, you need help - to acknowledge that Christ has overcome all of this already, to acknowledge that no matter how much you try to keep your feet dirty, or how good you might have gotten at cleaning them yourself, He still wants to do it for you. To acknowledge, in fact, that it is still essential to have him do it for you! 

In our leadership meeting today, we read two contrasting scriptures. In Mosiah 5:15, in talked about how if we are doing good works, we are sealed to the Savior. In contrast, in Alma 34:35, it says that by procrastinating repentance, we are sealed to Satan. It’s surprising, I think. It’s not sin that seals us to Satan, but procrastinating repentance of that sin. Or, in other words, hesitating, for whatever reason, to let the Savior wash our feet.

I testify that anything that keeps us from that good work - shame, embarrassment, laziness, focus on other things, or even good intentions that have turned into prideful desires - anything that keeps us from daily repentance is a tool of the adversary. Don’t listen to him. He’s a liar. Feel the relief of daily repentance. Feel the joy of yoking yourself to the Savior, feeling your burden lift, and trusting that His way is the way. 

I know that our prophet speaks for God when he pleads with us to embrace the gift of our Savior’s infinite atonement by repenting daily. I say this things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

What I Felt in the Temple Today

Calm.

Quiet.

Relief from the worries that had crowded my mind.

Like myself. My true self - the one who chose this life.

Assurance that God's eye in on my precious sparrows.

Like Mother Eve, open to wisdom, knowing that I am missing something, but confident that learning is possible. 

Like Mother Eve, unafraid of work and sorrow.

So you've discovered the Ex-Mos. Now what?

 Dear children,

It's okay. It's okay to read their complaints, their evidence, their viewpoints. It's okay if you feel scared right now. It's okay if you think life might never be the same again for you. 

Take a deep breath. Say a prayer (because God is very real). 

There are a few things I want to tell you.

1. I have read the CES Letter. All of it, pretty much - they might have added more since then. I was teaching seminary at the time and I wanted to make sure I understood what was in it.  It did indeed make me anxious and panicky, like it is supposed to.  Other things I have read: lots of ex-mo reddit threads that talk about everything under the sun, from Joseph Smith to the salamander letters, to polygamy (that's kind of an old school concern that was really emphasized and whispered about during my BYU days), to tithing concerns, sexual abuse by church members, and whatever is hottest at the moment.  I don't enjoy reading these things, but I have been - since said days at BYU -very concerned with truth and with making sure I have truth.

2. I'm not the only True Believing Mormon or "TBM" who has read all of this stuff. I am also not the most educated one to have done so.  I promise you that you don't even have to listen to just your mom here.  There are many very wise, very experienced, very educated individuals who have read just as much, experienced just as much, and have thought just as much as anyone on reddit, or Mormon Stories or the writer of whatever anti-mormon TV show is currently a hit. I promise that my decision, and their decisions to stay in the church, are not because we are willfully blind or ignorant. These aren't secrets that, if you and your dad knew about, we would leave too. There is a 99.9% chance that I have all the information anyone you interact with has - I have just reached a different conclusion than those who have left. Panic is not truth. Unanswered or cleverly asked questions are meant to make you afraid of digging deeper or giving up, or they are meant to make you think you already have the answer. 

3. Look some more. There are many public responses to the CES Letter that are full of better research than that document.  Here is one of them.  You will find that the CES Letter is not intellectually honest. It takes a shallow dig into "issues" - just enough to make them seem unsolvable. It doesn't actually keep digging to find the answers.  I have found that many many sources cited by Ex-mos are the same way. They are full of passion, anger, and fear, and claim to be more truthful than they really are. I think some are intentionally deceptive, but others are not. I think some ex-mos are intellectually honest, while some think that it is fair game to use whatever methods they can use to bring down what they have come believe is a cult.  By this point in your life, you have probably seen that loyalty-to-a-cause can illicit that kind of response - I have seen it when people defended our old adoption agency, I have seen it in the filmmakers of The Traffickers, I have seen it in politicians and their followers, I have seen it in patriots. You will see it on reddit because it is most often an echo chamber for like-minded individuals. They are no longer loyal to my religion, but they are extremely loyal to their own, and will (justifiably, in their minds), use anger and imbalance to prove their new religion. 

4.  On that same note, many many people are not being honest about why some people are excommunicated or why they chose to leave.  John Dehlin, the master story-teller himself, told the public at the time of his excommunication that he just wanted "truth." He was an honest truth-seeker, living all the commandments but not seeing the truth. He admitted years later that he was, at that time, completely addicted to porn, had been for years, and had hidden it from his wife. Does that mean his motives were completely false? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that his motives and reasons for disconnecting from the church were complex. I don't know that he purposely kept things out of his narrative to make it more compelling, but well, I have seen plenty of people who leave things to make their point stronger. People will argue that what they left out wasn't relevant, but well....why did they then? Again, I have seen people do it over and over again, and you probably have too. Excommunication stories can be super compelling because the person who had their membership revoked can say whatever they want. It will always be one-sided because of confidentiality policies in the church. 

4.  I am not ignorant, blind, or a sheep for following the living prophet despite not understanding everything. Everyone, whether they realize it or not, is choosing to follow someone.  One time I was on a blog that questioned everything gospel-related, and they were asking everyone how they would re-do the plan of salvation to make it more fair and beautiful.  They all, sitting behind their computer screens, gave input about what the plan got "wrong." Some sounded really inspiring and loving, and my heart got that racing feeling that maybe I had been wrong all along to trust modern prophets....maybe there was something I had "missed" in my thinking. Then I realized I was putting faith in strangers. Strangers who had the gall to believe that they understood the eternities, the whole point of life, the way we should treat other.....  strangers who thought they had the intellectual, far-sighted, compassionate depth to create laws for all mankind that would be better than the ones given to us by God, through the authorities of the church. STRANGERS - I didn't even know if they were just trying to screw people up or actually believed it. I didn't know if they were people who actually tried to lead good lives or criticized others on the computer all day long. I didn't know if they were better-educated, more "spiritual," more interested in doing good than me. But I certainly knew they were less humble.  I could not claim to understand all of it better than the prophets, but they did so without hesitation.  Being humble... acknowledging that you might not totally get what matters for ALWAYS....isn't being blind, it's being self-aware and honest.

5. You can talk to me about these things. I might have some insights you haven't considered. Yes, I have come to my own conclusions, and they might be different than your own, but I'm not going to kick you out of the family, I'm not going to disparage you to others, I'm not going to treat you with less love.  I believe that truth is truth, and I believe that if what I have is truth, whatever you believe isn't a threat to it. If it's uncomfortable, we will still get through it. I will love you just a dearly and truly if your conclusions are different than mine. 

6. If you don't want to talk to me about these things, that's fine too. Many people don't want to talk to their moms or dads about it because there is such emotional weight behind it. It's scary.  Plus, Dad and I aren't perfect. We have our own baggage. We've screwed up many times and you doubtless carry the baggage of those screwups.  I try really really hard to make things right, but I know I might not feel like the safest person to talk to. But if you do talk to others, give them at least the same level of scrutiny that you give us, please. We really really really do care about you.

7. I already stated this, but God is real. I have experienced Him over and over again in my life, and I would be a lying liar who lies if I told you differently. You really can pray. You really can accept knowledge from the Holy Ghost.  It's a legitimate way to learn. If you haven't turned to Him for help on this yet, please do. Please kneel down and talk to Him about your fears. Please ask Him how He feels about you. Please give the scriptures at least equal time to the ex-mos. Please give God a chance. He is real. His Son is real. This isn't about me wanting you to follow me. This isn't about my control over you. This isn't about making family gatherings more comfortable, or carrying on the traditions I was raised in. This is about a God who knows you and loves you, who I am trying to give you a connection to - a connection greater and more powerful than the one I have forged with you. I want you to trust HIM more than me. His love is pure and perfect. 

I love you (however imperfectly) and always will. -Mom

For the prison days

 Paul and Joseph were two men that taught me about feeling God’s peace in the hardest of times. 

 Before I can tell you about them, let me give you a little backstory. In January 2013, my husband and I both told each other that we thought we should make a decision whether or not to adopt.  We had thought and talked about it off and on for ten years - every time we had another biological child - and it seemed the time to decide once and for all if we should. We decided to take our question to the temple the first weekend in February. 

In the celestial room, I experienced one of the strongest and clearest answers in my life.  Both my husband and I came out of the temple feeling very strongly that, YES, we should adopt and that it should be soon. We both felt an intense urgency. After scrambling and stressing over paperwork for the next month and a half, we were matched with two little sisters from the DR Congo on March 27, 2013. We saw their faces through pictures, and again prayed and felt that they should be our daughters.

 At that point, our agency let us know that the rest of the process would take 9-12 months, which seemed so unbearable. How could I watch these little girls grow up through pictures for up to a whole year? I told myself that we knew God wanted us to do this, so He would definitely help us zoom through the process.  Maybe, I thought...maybe they would be home by the end of 2013.  Maybe by Christmas!  

By October 2014, they still weren’t with our family even though they were legally our daughters. The entity of their government that handled immigration would not let them, or any of the other hundreds of adopted children, leave the country. They had said they were suspending the process for a year, but that year had come and gone and there was no end in sight.  We hired a foster family to care for our girls and, having no idea when they would join us, I decided to visit them. 

That month I got to travel to Kinshasa, the capital city of the DR Congo, where my daughters lived.  I spent a week with them.  It was one of the hardest weeks of my life  - the exhaustion of traveling met with sickness, the difficulty of visiting a third-world country where I didn’t speak the language, the overwhelming task of getting to know and caring for a 3 and 5 yr old who didn’t know me or trust me.

It was also one of the best weeks of my life - seeing those pictures that I had watched for months actually living and breathing, hearing their laughs and adorable voices jabbering away in French, taking them swimming for the first time in their lives, feeling their little arms around my neck as they giggled in the cool water, snuggling close to them all night and just enjoying having them with me. 

When the week was over, I took them back to their foster home and somehow said goodbye. My younger daughter was hysterical and had to be pried off of me. I felt a peace that could only come from my Heavenly Father as we drove away, back to my hotel, but my heart ached for her.  I wasn’t leaving until the next morning, and that night, all alone, I had a lot of questions for my Heavenly Father as I knelt in prayer. What it all boiled down to for me was this thought: 

What if we had been wrong to start this whole crazy process? 

I could trust that it was all going to be okay if I truly knew that God wanted us to adopt. But what if He hadn’t? What if we had been wrong that day in the temple? What if we were just messing up our daughters’ lives even more by making them live in this limbo?  How could I know this was what Heavenly Father wanted when it was going so badly? I couldn’t see His hand in this mess. 

I felt comforted that night, but received my real answer the next morning, as I was leaving my daughters’ city.  

The airport experience in Kinshasa is intense and chaotic, and several other adoptive parents recommended that since I was traveling alone I should hire someone to help get me and my bags checked in . His name was Paul.  He was Congolese and spoke at least four languages.  I had met him during the week as we had hired him to go a few places to translate. So that morning, Paul and his driver loaded my suitcases. Before we even left the courtyard, Paul turned to me and softly started talking about what a hard day it was for me.  I will never forget what he said. 

“Your children may feel like you have abandoned them right now.  They don’t understand why you can’t be with them.  They don’t understand what you are doing to bring them home.  But you know.

You may feel like God has abandoned you right now. You can’t see what He sees.  You don’t know what is going to happen.  But He knows.”

As I nodded my head and agreed wholeheartedly with him, he let that settle, and then we talked a little more about God, and he continued.

 “Look at Joseph in the Bible. He had a dream when he was a teenager. That dream did not come true for many many years. Even as he tried to do what God asked him to do, it was not easy for him. He was sold as a slave. He was accused by Potiphar's wife. He was thrown in jail.  And we know that it all worked out because we have read the ending. But while it was happening to Him, he didn’t know how it would end. He might have wondered if he had really dreamed that dream or if it was from God.”

I can still see the busy Kinshasa street we were on when Paul said this to me.  Time stood still as he taught me, from the Bible, and the Holy Ghost manifested to me that what Paul was saying was a direct answer to my prayers the previous night.  

I knew, in that moment, that my Heavenly Father had answered my prayers, not just from the previous night, but in the temple back in February 2013. He knew me so well that He had sent an almost-stranger to speak the very words I needed to hear, halfway across the world, in a language that wasn’t even native to him.

I thought about Joseph many times in the long months that followed. Every time we got bad news and it felt like our daughters would never join us, I tried to remember that God knew the ending, and He had not abandoned us. He had asked us to do this work, and His promises were always sure.  

We continued on in faith, even as many of our adoptive friends either gave up or illegally paid smugglers to sneak their children out with false documents. We visited Washington DC three times to meet with congressmen, representatives from the Department of State, and the DR Congo ambassador to the US. 

We kept serving in callings, praying, going to the temple, and paying our daughter’s foster family. 

Elysee and Simone finally flew to join our family on June 8, 2016, more than three years after we had first been matched with them. They were sealed to our family six months later. 

Now, after five years, I’m sure that people look at our family and only see the victory, the happy ending. They don’t know the agony and uncertainty that clouded our lives during those years. 

If you’re in that agony right now, please know that God has not forgotten you or abandoned you. Even when Joseph was in prison, Genesis 39:21 tells us: But the Lord was with Joseph.

God is with you.  

You haven’t reached the end of the story yet.

It’s not over. 

God knows you. 

He is working on your behalf in ways that you may not realize for years. 

We can always trust in His promises. 

That’s what Joseph and Paul helped me understand.