Now, most of you wives out there are probably a lot wiser than me. It took me a long time to figure out a lesson that has proved to be vital to a healthy relationship with my husband. I used to nag. I don't think I was out of control, and I don't think it dominated the conversations I held with my husband, but I did nag. If Chad did something around the house in a manner that I didn't approve of, I had no problem mentioning it to him. If he forgot to do something, I would bring it up. If I thought he needed to stop reacting a certain way to a certain situation, I let him know, right then and there.
There came a time in our relationship when we just weren't too happy with each other, and Chad let me know that it seemed like he could never do anything right with me. I scoffed at this idea and chalked it up to him just not paying enough attention or feeling sorry for himself. Afterall, I complimented him all the time - I often told him how proud I was of how hard he worked, how smart he was, how handsome he looked, and let him know every day that I loved him.
It took me awhile to realize that all those words of affection were being completely cancelled out by the Chad's-need-to-improve-list that I was constantly writing for him. I started to realize that (duh!), it wasn't my job to let him know what he needed to work on. I am lucky enough to be married to a man that is constantly striving to improve himself, and it is just my job to be his cheerleader. Afterall, isn't that I want him to be for me?
Still, I was in the habit of complaining to him about what he needed to do differently, not just to his face, but in my head. I needed to break that habit, so I made a goal. I was not going to complain about anything he did or didn't do for a whole week.
ANYTHING.
And I did it. Let me tell you a few things that I discovered.
#1. There are very few things that are worth complaining about. Most of the things that I felt like complaining about really didn't matter that much (I mean, they could easily wait and whole week, so they were truly insignificant), and were things that he already knew my opinion on.
#2. When I nagged him less, it was a lot easier to be happy with all the good things about him, and as the week went on I wasn't even nagging him in my head anymore.
#3. He is so much happier when I nag less and so much more cheerful about doing the things that I want him to do.
I am telling you, a week of no nagging, and you will never ever want to go back. Don't get me wrong - I still let him know sometimes if I am not happy with him or if there is a certain aspect of our relationship that I feel like needs improving. I am still big on honesty and openness in a relationship. I have found that what makes a big difference is how I do it, when I do it, and how often. I try not to make blanket or absolute statements like, "You never spend enough time with the kids" or "You never help out around the house." Statements like that aren't just a complaint, but an attack on his character. I try to be very specific and contain the complaint to one specific incident so that he doesn't feel like I am attacking him.
I also try to never complain while either of us are mad or having a bad day. Even though those are often the times when I feel like complaining the most, the conversation that ensues is rarely productive. And when I bother him less often about things, the occasional complaint is taken more seriously, and he doesn't feel like I am never happy with him.
This no-nagging lesson, in combination with others, makes for a very happy Chad and Katie combination. Sometimes I feel myself slipping and I do the no-nagging-for-a-week again and things inevitably get better.
At this point you are probably either nodding your head in agreement, wondering why I thought I had the right to nag Chad in the first place, or thinking, "Well, that just isn't how our relationship works. Sometimes I need to nag him or nothing would ever get done." I am telling, try it for a week.
Let me just mention two somewhat side notes:
Women can be really bad about complaining to each other about their husbands. Since I started my no-nagging policy, this has stood out to me, and I have realized how much more damaging it is than we realize. I honestly think that "venting" about your spouse rarely does any good, and I think that part of the double standard that women have about men (we can nag them about anything, but don't they dare complain about dinner not being on the table) stems from these venting sessions. I think it is a bad bad thing. Remind me of that, Audra, the next time I start venting about Chad :o)
Also, this nagging thing really really makes a difference in any relationship, including the one with your kids. It is a little trickier with kids because it is our job to discipline them and teach them. However, a lot of the same no nagging principles can be applied with great success.
